Painful Envy

I know an Ana. She's gorgeous, little, and kind. Everyone adores her. I remember one time sitting behind her at a work meeting. I could see her spine bones through her shirt as she leaned forward. She is rather too thin, but lovely. She and Ana it seems are dear friends. She openly remarks on how she wants to be’s shocking sometimes. She casually said to people that she was so excited school was over so she could lose weight...I don't think there is weight left for her to lose. I was shocked as I keep my ED secret. Her ED is rather obvious. But I suppose like myself, everyone is too scared to say anything about it. She's rather lovely. I'm not sure how I feel around her. Part of me is envious how gorgeous she looks. And another part of me feels sad for her. Does she see it? How lovely and graceful she looks? How easily her clothes drape around her small frame. She has to see how gorgeous she is. But we're all the same aren't we? Blind.

As for my boy trouble so to speak, it's only getting worse. He and my good friend are so close it seems...ugh I hate jealousy. But how I suffer from it immensely. It’s consuming me...and it seems no matter how little I eat, she still has her hold on me. I'm not a fan of Ana, like I said before I'd rather be a loner. But I wish more than ever for Ana to fill Envy's place.

I haven't had a meal in almost 2 days. (Just tiny snacks and barely) I'm going to make it 3.

I'm not sure why I am restricting. Do I want to lose weight? I suppose. Do I want to be thin? Of course. But no...this is different. I mostly crave pain it seems. I assure you I am not ill, even if it seems so. I am perfectly able to eat, not feel guilty, not count calories, not care...but I just want to feel emptiness. I want to be alone, even from nourishment.

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Thankyou for the comments guys =). I will be catching up on your blogs tonight after I ramble...

Sometimes I feel sad, and this sadness feels foreign. Mainly because I cannot pinpoint exactly what is causing it...I have faint ideas but I am helpless to solve them.

I like a guy that will never notice me. I know it’s not due to looks. It’s due to my personality. Which is ironic. I am so clever and fun, but as soon as I am in the same room as him, my mind goes blank and I must be so boring. I have accepted that it just won't work out, but what kills kills me because I know he is becoming close friends with my best friend. She likes him too, because he's pretty awesome. And she's awesome around him, when normally it’s the opposite for us. I am the outgoing, fun one, and she is the quiet one. I am prettier too, she is self conscious. Yet I am struggling. I do not envy her, I love her. I just hate that I am failing at not being so nervous. I hate how guys like me but I have no interest in them and as soon as I like the point I easily ignore their faults, I fail and they never notice or desire me.

I guess I do know the cause of my sadness. This feeling that makes my stomach sick, it's not butterflies. It's seeing what I want right in front of my eyes, and being absolutely helpless in obtaining it. I hate this feeling.

I wish I could forget everyone forever. I love loneliness. I walked alone for hours today, admiring the stars and the cold air. I rarely see the stars. But that feeling in my stomach returned; that sickness. I know what I want. I do desire loneliness, but I want to be lonely with someone. I want us to be lonely forever.

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Freedom, Bravery, Desires

Freedom. It's what I truly desire. Freedom from people, freedom from my weaknesses, freedom from my limitations. I will be leaving the country soon, I am studying abroad. I can't wait. I do not fear change and another country where I will barely speak the language. (I have been studying it for over a year and will be able to get by). Some people would fear this but I welcome it with open arms. I will be free from everyone and all of their expectations. I wonder how skinny I will be with this new freedom.

Update wise, I am still te same size, maybe 120, 121 pounds. It feels great, I feel great. But I want to feel even greater. I want to be that person I know I am inside. She's smart, loving, witty, gorgeous in her own way. She fears nothing. She can do anything she sets her mind to. I want people to envy me. I want them to wish they were as brave as me.

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I went away. I won’t explain why or where, but I’m back for a little while. Forgive me if I disappear again, but I just want to express myself

I know this will sound crazy but I will say it anyway.

I’ve come to realize that we all need balance. That creative, witty, intelligent perfect guy…he must be socially awkward, self loathing, miserable. That is the way it must be. We are ineptly designed for balance, even if it is against our will. I strive for perfection in everything I do, yet I have come to realize I equally strive for destruction. Maybe it is against my will, maybe I secretly love it. I have not come to make such a conclusion yet. But I cannot deny what I see. I have denied myself for too long. I excel, because it’s what I like to do. I am an A student, beloved daughter, a hard worker, a good friend. Yet here I am: self destruction, killing myself and loving every minute of it. Well I exaggerate. I am well aware of my limits. I would never be able to kill myself. But the very thought of it excites me. I like to inflict pain on myself, even if I fear it. I fear pain with every bone in my body. But I cause pain, every time I resist…and sleep to the soft drumming of my heart. It feels good. Control feels good. I like control. But at the same time I am not scared of losing control either. Yes I hate losing control in my daily life, I must control everything. I plan a lot. That is maybe another reason why I am this way. Because when I can’t control something…I instead control my self-inflicted pain. I have spent a lot of time trying to rationalize my disorder. At first I denied it. Those words frightened me…eating disorder. Now they casually roll of my lips and I smile inside. Because it’s not as bad as it could be. I don’t puke, take pills, and cry if I eat a burger. I can just easily turn my hunger off. I hang out, pretend to be normal for a month, maybe gain a few pounds. Then I turn the switch off, and I forget to eat for days. I’ve accepted that part of me. And once I accepted it, I spent days trying to figure out why. Why did I have this urge to be skinny and in control? Did I lack confidence? At one point I did…at times I do. But for the most part I am very confident. Is my confidence due to my eating disorder? Maybe. I began to discover my reasons. I had an unstable childhood...moved a lot, trust issues, little friends. The list goes on. The sadness eventually went away but my disorder stayed. It’s my safe haven now…

And I’ve ranted for a bit. Till next time.

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Feeling Funny

So I am having a dilemma. At the beginning of the day I was sticking strict to my semi fast. But I was still sore from working out yesterday and was heading to work out again. At this time I had only had 600 calories all day. And I started feeling bad because I was physically tired and felt a little sick from lack of food. I felt like I was punishing my body for no reason. I felt like I was working out too much to be eating so little. But at the same time I want to be just a little thinner. I am thinner now with nice lean muscle and I feel great. But I don't want to stop and lose my progress.

So anyway afterwards I hung out with friends and let loose and ate two slices of pizza, some soda and ice cream. And then I felt bad for stuffing my face...I ate a normal amount of calories but I hate how its not 1000 or under. I am tempted to go work out right now (its kinda late) but my body is so sore. I feel like I have been working out a lot but it never seems enough. And I think I did ok...not as good as I wanted. And tomorrow is friday which I have designated my cheat day meaning absolutely no counting or not eating. I get to eat whatever I want and not feel guilty or bad about it. I feel that I will be watching what I eat and be away from friends this weekend so today and tomorrow won't matter. But I am still having mixed feelings about times I feel like I am not eating enough and that my body is in unnecessary pain, but then at other times I wish I hadn't just eaten that pizza. What does reassure me however is when I look into the mirror...I like what I see.

Food today:

apple 80
three orange slices 30
egg white omelet spinach cheese 125
pear slices -40
granola bar -110
slice of bread with tuna 150
cookie dough - 140

After workout and feeling bad about not eating

two slices of pizza - 670
icecream - no clue
soda - 120

Total: 1465 not including maybe real total is around 1700-1800
I did workout today maybe 100-200 calories. I like to round low.

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So I am proud to say I stuck to my plan ^^. Food I had today:

Breakfast - estimated 250 (more because I am iffy on the fruit and omelet)
egg white omelet spinach and cheese - 125
three slices of an orange - 25
water - 0
a piece of honey dew and some pear slices 50

lunch - 250 calories
green tea - 0
granola bar - 110
apple - 70
piece of chocolate - 70

Dinner - NONE!

Total - 500
Workout had to be at least 200

Managed to skip dinner and workout hardcore. When I say hardcore I mean my body is sore and I hope I can walk tomorrow lol. I am gaining lean muscle definition it feels awesome and today at soccer I was complimented on my speed. I love sprinting =) I almost had a problem today concerning dinner that I managed to avoid, kind of scared me though. A friend asked me to go to the cafeteria and I declined and said I was going out to she said she would come to! Talk about awkward. Luckily she was starving and wanted to eat right away. I said I wasn't hungry right at that moment and would eat later. I always feel a friend is going to call me out or something. But besides that today was awesome. I will try and do it again tomorrow.

I need to apologize as well. Because while I love comments I haven't been commenting on blogs. This is due to me just being busy, I barely find time to post a blog. And no I don't have some super life lol I just work a lot, work out, class and friends. So sorry if I am not commenting I really regret that. I do love to talk to people so if any of you seriously need to talk or need advice or support etc etc feel free to email me

Take care and good luck ^^

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Weighing Dilemna

So I am currently doing what you are not supposed to be doing; weighing myself on two different scales which keeps messing with my mind. First scale would be my roommate's which is a pretty high-tech expensive scale. Second scale would be the gym's scale which would include my sweating hair and gym shoes since it would look awkward taking my shoes off in front of people lol. Her scale (in the morning on an empty stomach) normally says 120. The gym scale (at night after tons of water and clothes and shoes) says 124 which I conclude to really be 122...but there is still a difference! And problem is neither says 119 =(

I have concluded that I am not hitting 119 (according to roommate's scale) because I keep eating dinner with all my friends. I only eat that one meal a day but it sucks because its social eating which always makes you eat more and in our dining hall which is basically a buffet. I haven't been able or even motivated to fast =(. So I devised a plan for tomorrow

white egg omelet with spinach and cheese

Green tea with a granola bar


Lol not sure if I can just do a banana for dinner. I am planning on going to practice with this club soccer team I joined for a couple of hours and then going to the gym. I desperately want the banana to hold me off but we will see. Wish me luck ^^ Your support means the world

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So I did it. I reached 120 again. I am ecstatic and feel great. As of now, I haven't eaten anything today and weighed myself this morning on an empty stomach. The plan is to eat a small to medium size dinner tonight, workout for an hour then head to bed on an empty stomach. I think I can reach 119 either tomorrow or the day after. Wow I am so going to reach 117 then go on a shopping spree! I have the cash all saved up lol =D

I honestly feel coming back to my blog really motivated me. You guys are just amazing. Ok now for gossip:

A really close friend of mine, we've been friends since highschool, used to be super skinnier than me, but she is super lazy. So we went to college and she gained a ton of weight, probably 10 pounds and now none of her clothes fit which sucks because they are all designer lol. She has no motivation to do anything, she would fail if tried to be proana. And I've lost weight but instead of her complimenting me, the jealousy is coming out (which I don't mind hehe). But its getting annoying because she is projecting her insecurities on me. For example with weight gain comes bigger boobs. We used to have the same size (I'm a 32 A lol which I love!!) but she has totally gotten bigger. So you know what she does? She asks me, like puts me on the spot if I wear a tight shirt and says, "Did your boobs get bigger!?" and to any normal person that wouldn't be annoying but she KNOWS I love my boobs and would hate if they got bigger. And she has done this multiple times and I can only say no and look awkward. Next time she asks I am totally going to say, "No but it looks like yours has."

I know it sounds extremely petty but its irritating when a friend projects things on you. And I say friend because she honestly is a good friend...we just like to compete with one another xD. She's worked out with me once and said she would always work out with me but knowing her she will get lazy and quit which actually sucks because she is upset she is gaining weight. But this is how I feel about it, if you are upset your clothes do not fit and that you are gaining a gut and bigger boobs do something about it instead of being lazy and inactive. Ok so I am done with my gossip for now lol, enjoy some thinspo

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Reached 120 then failed.

So I have a crazy amount to update. I need to explain why I have been gone, what have I been up to, and my weight goals. First off I reached my first goal weight of 120 and I felt amazing. Bad news is I binged for TWO days and lost my goal weight and felt too bad to post on my blog =(. I feel better now but ugh it sucks. I am probably 122 right now. So I have been very busy working and getting ready for school. Once school starts binging will be harder. I am just constantly surrounded by friends and all we do is eat. Its irritating even though it seems half of my friends are developing ED's lol. I know I shouldn't find that comical but I do. Its just so ironic.

So I hit 120 then binged but then worked out like crazy. One day I did two trips to the gym and according to the machines burned a total of 600 calories. The real number was probably 400-500 but it felt great. I pretty much binged today because of peer pressure (I know it sucks) but I am so sick of it, I can't take it anymore. I hate that I have been avoiding my blog, makes me feel even more guilty. I really need to make it up to you guys. I'm hoping once I weigh below 120 I will treat you guys to pics of me.

I really missed you and yes I will not avoid my blog again, it doesn't help lol. Everyday I would just think oh goodness I should put this on my blog tonight. So now that the gym is open I am super happy, I've been like 4 times this week already. I already have my gym schedule set out as well so that makes me feel a little better. I will be up all night reading blogs so much love to you all =)

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Weird Thinspo Request

So I am finally free from work training. I ended up weighing myself afterwards and to my surprise I hadn't gained any weight. I haven't lost any either but I feel my body is now getting used to the 120-121 range which is awesome. I feel great but I can't wait to reach 117 so I can shop! I want to shop before school starts so that would mean I have less than 2 weeks to lose the weight which I think I can.

I will be at the gym tomorrow! I can't weight. I am thinking of starting off by trying to lose 500 cals on the machines and then do some running. I have not one but two super healthy exercise freak friends (one who has lost a lot of weight) and so we are practically making sure each other works out. I feel so lucky to be surrounded by them.

Also I have a weird thinspo request to make only because I suck at finding thinspo. I was wondering you lovely ladies could find me thinspo of skinny women in business suits. I am in need of a suit lol and want to see how great they could look for my skinnier self =) Much love to all and now I have finally have time to stay updated with blogs.

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Please Update me on you

So I have some time to write up a quick blog. I have been busy all day! I am exhausted and I still have along day tomorrow with training and stuff. So just to update I hate how I haven't been reading blogs. PLEASE UPDATE me in my comments. I will have some time tonight but I always feel overwhelmed when I fall behind in blogs. I hope you all are doing well <3

As for myself I have never felt so envious. There is this lovely lovely ana girl who works with me. She is absolutely gorgeous. She obviously lost a ton of weight this summer and everytime we have like lunch and breakfast and stuff (because work is all day and so long they feed us) I sneakily look at her and she eats nothing! I feel like a creep lol but I could see her whole spine through her shirt when she leaned over just a little! I actually think she is too skinny but goodness she is so pretty. She's asian and looks like a freaking model and has the skinniest legs ever. She is pretty skinny not ugly skinny even though she does look too skinny. Anyway she is my new thinspo. The gym opens in a few days!!! I will be there all day. I don't even care anymore, I want to lose weight so bad now. All I need to do is start reading your blogs and progress and looking at more thinspo.

Its just so hard to not eat when you are forced in such a social situation as I am right now. When school starts hopefully I'll be less around them during meal times. But I have great news!!! So one of my roommates (who weighs a lot more than me) has just changed her whole entire lifestyle around. I'd say she was pro ana now lol but she is actually pro health and instead of restricting eats like 6 small meals a day with tons of exercise. The good part is she eats absolutely no junk food now and will be working out everyday. I am super excited because all I have to do is copy her choices in food (its all extremely healthy and low cal now) and work out with her. Plus I love restricting so I just can't wait to reach 115. Once I hit 117 I am going on a shopping spree for new clothes. Wish me luck guys and please update me!!! I will be reading blogs later tonight. I am hanging out with some friends and going to the movies and will read when I get back. Love you all <3

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Still Busy

I want to thankyou all for your advice. I pretty much agree with you guys, he isn't good for my health. But then I feel addicted sometimes because he can just be amazing sometimes. But I will be trying to see him less and less and move on and start dating and whatnot.

So I have been really busy and I feel guilty for not commenting on many blogs. It gets overwhelming sometimes. I am still unpacking and omg so some coworkers and friends came back to school and I swear so many are pro ana! They look pretty much anorexic and I was jealous =( I want to lose weight so bad now and this week of moving and training and friends will not be helping with that. To make myself feel better I just keep reminding myself that once school starts and the gym opens it will be easier to eat less and workout more.

I am getting a little paranoid. One friend commented on how little I ate and it made me nervous when responding. Luckily(even though I am a little envious) an already skinny friend of mine got skinnier this summer and my other friend who would have normally commented on me couldn't stop talking about how skinny she had gotten. She did get skinnier but I personally think she looks better and isn't ana or mia or anything. She is highly athletic. Any I am rambling. I will be reading some blogs tonight then will be busy for the next few days. Much love to you all <3

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I Hate Moving

Moving was just awful. The only good part was its finished and I actually had an awesome time with my friend she is hilarious.

But on to the bad parts because I need to complain. First off I am an idiot for trying to fast lol. The first moment I even tried to move I almost passed out and felt like I was going to throw up. Luckily my friend suggested it was dehyration and watered me up and fed me. It probably was but obviously because my body was starving. It was awful because at first I felt dizzy then naceous but the feeling went away and the second time it came back all I wanted to do was stuff my face to never feel that way again. I'm personally not a fan of dizzyness and nacea but I should have expected it. What sucks is that I had no appetite but I ate some fast food today twice. I dont even want to count calories. All I know is I moved a ton today for hours. I am physically exhausted, just felt like I needed to update.

Oh and that friend I got into a fight with a few days ago and who I kind of liked. Sometimes I wish he'd just leave my life. I think he causes more harm than good. Sometimes I just don't like who I am when I am around him and what hurts the most is I am who I am all the time and I love me all the what does that mean? Could I be better? Or am I the best I can be and he just destroys that without trying or even being malicious. Does that make me weak or a fool?

I'm seriously going to be very busy this week so I apologize now if I seem to disappear. I will be trying to read many blogs =)

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Love you all

Thankyou guys for all the lovely comments!! It really meant a lot to me. I took them down and deleted them before the taller, prettier one could see them so sorry =(. Next time I post pics I'll wait for you to see and also I will post some full body shots. Like I knew I would, had to hang out with friends today and eat fast food omg. I did resist getting fries and soda but ofcourse I caved in for icecream =(. Calories as of now. Its night time and the junk food has made me craving more food. Luckily I only have fruit and healthy snacks to binge on so maybe I won't go over 1200.

Icecream: 330
chicken nuggets: 460
grapes: 100
orange juice: 120

Total: 1010

Tomorrow is moving day and we are probably going to go out to eat so I will try and fast all day while moving and burning calories =). This week ugh, will be food galore since I will be moving with roommates but then next week the gym opens so can't wait for that. I have many blogs to catch up on, I've been packing but I will soon. ^^ Love you all

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Pics of Me

So after a few people comment I will take them down. I honestly do not know why I am so paranoid, my blog is like in the oblivion of the net but I am =/. And I feel lame sometimes but meh. I know you guys want to see ^^. I do want to remain anonymous so edited the pics for that reason.

Pics removed. Thanks for the comments guys =)

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I have never been in fast mode this long. Keep in mind I haven't been completely fasting but I have been having max 800 calories a day for maybe 4 days now. Some days only 300. Today I had starbursts (lol love them) a few chips, a soda, and some popcorn chicken. I was with a friend today so thats why I had all the junk food. I need to stp eating starbursts though, too many calories. This was my last day eating them!

Chicken 300
Starbusts 240
Soda 160
Chips 100

So total would be 800 in the last 24 hours. Its easy since I don't eat while working and I work 10 hour shifts and then I sleep for another 8 hours. I start packing tomorrow so I will slowly get out of fast mode this week. I will be moving and hanging out with a ton of friends. So not only will I not be fasting I will just expect to gain a pound or two but then after that I will be in the gym!!!

Oh and dot has totally inspired me to take pics!! Expect those next post. I have an awful camera and mirror lol so its really hard to take good ones but I will try

Replies to comment

Because of your comment I went to the store and bought a ton of fruits =D And I can't wait to see your progress once school starts

Thanks for commenting. I do read your blog just need to comment more ;) I adore subway, did decide to go and it was delicious! Filled me up for all day saturday

You are so amazing I don't like you feeling angry or sad. Keep it up sweety <3

Thankyou!! I feel more inspired to post pics, I just get really picky when I take a picture and end up not liking it. Not because of me just because my camera sucks. Keep up your awesome work and goodluck with the abc!

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A New Day

SO I am happily still in fast mode. Only ate a slice of bread and peanut butter as well as some starbursts in the last 24 hours. I even avoided eating fast food last night and going out to eat with friends today. One, I don't want to ruin everything with one horrible meal at a restaurant and two, I am tired of wasting money to just fatten myself up lol. I woke up today still in fast mode! I think I am just running of adrenaline. So advice time, what should I eat? I'm thinking subway, I always get a wheat 6inch turkey. Any suggestions? I will be chilling out today, may eat an apple and another slice of bread with peanut butter but I know I need to eat a meal.

It helps that I live alone (as for now, moving next week with roommates) so I barely keep food around me and am working so that just keeps me busy. Then I sleep a lot. When school starts hopefully I have an internship and can avoid dinner time with friends lol. Not everyday, just don't want to stuff myself daily. I have free time today so I will catch up on some blogs and see how you guys are doing=)

Replies to comments

the taller, prettier one
I remember replying on your blog. Glad I could be an inspiration you are mine as well =)

Thankyou love =) I hope you keep it up as well

swt mzry
Thankyou! I can't wait to start working out then I can use the high tech awesome scales they have in the gym lol. Will keep me motivated to work out if I weigh myself before I do xD

Aww thankyou Dot =D I honestly fail at taking pics of myself but I will try lol. And yes I like to be honest and I did not lie, HUGE difference. You look fabulous.

You are just doing amazing. Guys tend to lose fast like that :P. Keep up the awesome work. Everyone knows you can do it, go and look hot!

Thats ok flushed, not gaining is still a good goal. I am afraid of gaining right now lol so I need to try and boost my metabolism. Thankyou for your support ^^

Thankyou lizzy =) An internship is just for job experience. It looks awesome on a resume basically and is good for networking

Savory Sweet
lol I am not taking anything. I do have an addiction to sugar. I like candy too much. I love peanut butter too so I just add that to my diet for healthy fats. If I don't go overboard with it, which I dont, its healthy and keeps me energized

I am so so sorry. I hope you find out soon and then can really decide where you are in life. Feel better, we are all here for you

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All time low!!

So had a busy night and day. I am so behind on blogs, I've been trying to get an internship so I've been too busy to even sleep. Good news is that I am in serious fast mode, it feels awesome. I feel like I have tons of energy even with eating little. And when I do feel tired one apple boosts me up. I weighed myself today....and I hit 121!!! I have never been this low in my adult body life. It feels great. My all time goals has always been 120 and I am so close. The hard part will be getting to 115 and staying in that range. I feel though if I can hit 121 without workout then getting to 115-117 with workout will be a piece of cake.

I owe it all to you guys. Thankyou so much for the support. I will be trying to eat some healthy fruits today and stay hydrated and keep it up. I might head to subway today seeing how I feel later tonight. I am so behind in blogs, I apologize. I would love for you guys to give me a quick update on how your weight goals are going in the comments.

I adore all of you <3

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Waking up full

So I woke up and read your comments and I feel great =). I woke up feeling physically great and mentally. I unfortunately have a busy day today and can't read your blogs until later tonight. I really just want to thank you guys for lifting my moods. I hate being down, I like to be cheery =o

Replies to comments

Ana's Girl
Thankyou so much =) I love working at night because I find it easier to not eat. I reaally appreciate your comments

You are absolutely right and thats not like me. I won't do it again ^^. I woke up feeling better and in control. I am so happy you have multivitamins ;) I will purchase some soon.

Thankyou sweety <3 I did wake up feeling awesome. He is a lovely friend and yes I am incredible comfortable around him and sometimes there is tension between us. But yeh, nothing will come from it, it just couldn't work. I've accepted that lol it just sucks I can't stop feeling for him.

swt mzry
Thanks love and you are right as well. I was just upset about the argument but I'm all better now. Thanks for commenting too ^^

Yes stranger its such a relief living on my own, no one looking over my shoulders. I have a weird sleeping schedule and eating schedule as well. goodluck holding out until you can get back to school ^^ Thanks for commenting

Thankyou Dot <3 Stupid guys and their guyness that we love lol.

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So I got into a weird argument with a close friend of mine. A friend I sometimes love and I sometimes hate. Or maybe I hate that I love him or wish I hated him more. I over complicate things and sometimes I am angry he isn't who I want him to be all the time. Yet there are times when he is everything and more. I've concluded that there will never be anything more than friendship between us. I just wish I could stop thinking about him in other ways.

Afterwards I worked all night and didn't eat. I type this now about to get off soon. My head is pounding. My stomach hurts so much I want to throw up to stop the feeling. To just stop feeling. There wouldn't be anything to throw up anyway. I feel too down to eat. Its like a form of punishment, this pain I am feeling. I'm not a masochist. I don't like feeling pain. But I do feel guilty for something...I just don't know what. I will shower and then sleep for 8 hours. I won't eat anything. I feel empty, void of everything. I wonder how I will feel when I wake up. Normally when I fall asleep on an empty stomach I wake up feeling full.

I have a feeling I will wake up empty.

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Feeling Discouraged

Wow. So I went to a bagel place for breakfast and just looked up the calories...820!!! For breakfast!! Thats just ridiculous, never eating there again. In my defense I had planned to eat there yesterday so I ate very little for dinner but I feel just so discouraged because it didn't even fill me up. So I'm just going to eat regularly today, and fast tomorrow. I still have to wait a couple of weeks before I can go to the gym. I am growing so impatient and discouraged. Fasting is just hard when I can't weigh myself. I hope you guys are having better luck than me =)

Replies to comments from last post

Sometimes I feel overwhelmed with all the blogs and feel guilty when I don't comment on all of them. I do try to though because I know how reassuring and happy comments make me feel =)

Ana's girl
Yeh I love competition. I find it helpful because I'm not a particularly jealous person as hard as that is to believe. So it is just pure competition but I never become mean or jealous.

Thanks for commenting, I haven't had a chance to really read your blog, partly because I feel guilty sometimes. I like to write as well and feel guilty having this blog complaining about my weight sometimes instead of writing like you do. Weight and body image is less of an issue for me yet I feel like I make it an issue sometimes with this blog...does that all make sense lol?

Losing used to make me feel horrible as well. Everytime I lost my first game in any sport I would cry. That stinks how you feel awkward around her. Maybe its time you moved on? I have this horrible habit of moving on in friendships easily =(

Thankyou so much for that compliment wow lol. She is giving me hints. She refuses to say that I am skinnier than her. She just talks about the weight she's gained. I feel she is resentful towards me but that only keeps me motivated =) I have a feeling you will be looking great in photos in no time. I never took photos when I felt I was heavier, now I am a camera whore lol

I'm actually happy you have someone to compete with, makes the journey all that more attainable. I wish you the best girl <3 So happy you are back ^^

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Need to Feel Empty

So I am back at school feeling bloated like I always do after a trip home. I frankly eat too much at home and it makes me feel sick. So wow I have a lot of followers! And I am so behind in blogs. I need to read all my new followers and my updates and comment on everyone's blog. I have a lot of work to do lol. So my friend I am competing with in my mind just called me saying how much she can't wait to work out when school starts. Thats good, I'm a very competitive person and feel I will do great if my goal is to remain skinnier than her lol. I know its awful but I live off competition.

I'm going to copy xthinforever and start answering comments on the following blog. I get lost as well trying to answer everyone on their blog. So here goes

Ana's Girl
I am actually on a sports team, but its only intramural so less competitive and less practice. It just doesn't help when it comes to my weight goals. If I want to lose weight I need to live at the gym but I think I can do it =) And you will always have my support, I don't know why but I just feel so bad when you feel bad, your blog is that powerful

Thankyou so much for the comment. I must confess I need to catch up on your blog and start commenting I will asap ^^

Sunny Mc.FatFace
I have a weird layout so in order to follow my blog you need to manually add me by going to your dashboard and where it shows everyone you are following at the bottom click add and paste the link of my blog in it. Hope that helps and I need to catch up on your blog as well ^^

I absolutely adore your blog. And for me playing sports is just my lazy version of working out. Yes it helps but the gym is much better to define your body. Plus playing sports increases my appetite like crazy. After soccer practice and running for miles I would get home and stuff my mouth. Can't wait for your photo debut! Lol

Everytime I did go to the gym I would just play racquetball or badminton or some other sport. I would avoid machines at all cost but thats where the real workout is plus they tell you how many calories you burn =D

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So good news! Minus me having to eat regular meals of course. My mom did not mention my weight once! It felt awesome. Granted she was gone half the day. But for breakfast I had a cheese omelet. I left the pot in the sink and my dishes around so when she got home she saw it. I then ate a horribly fattening muffin and snacked on grapes all day. For dinner...ugh...had a lot of pasta. Don't want to talk about it and also had chocolate and juice. I made sure that when I ate I always ate in front of her and even suggested dinner and went shopping with her for ingredients.

I feel I convinced her to not worry about my weight. To begin with, I was giving her health food advice (which I find ironic since I would rather starve than eat healthy but I am knowledgeable) I convinced her to start eating raw spinach, its a personal favorite of mine. We went shopping together and practically talked about healthy foods the whole time so she knows I am a "health nut" now. Which is technically true. When I eat I like to eat healthy.

I want to work out so bad. I'm scared that I will lose my drive once I am able to go to the gym. I'm a very athletic person, I have always been on a sports team. But when it comes to the gym I just feel so meh about it. I am hoping that once I start weighing myself and really dieting, the numbers on the scale will really motivate me to go to the gym. I have some running shoes, getting an ipod and I have goals in mind. I want to hit 117 before winter break. Thats it, then I'm done and just need to maintain that weight and tone my body. I also want to be able to run 30 mins straight without stopping and do that maybe 4 times a week. I want to have lean muscle and a toned body yet look fragile and lovely in skinny jeans and a bikini. Wish me luck girls and keep up your blogs they really keep me motivated more than you guys realize

Zoe Saldana. I think she is gorgeous with a rocking body

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What to do

So I met with a friend this morning and avoided lunch! It felt great so decline and not eat some fast food. I've been eating minimal these past few days and I feel like I've conquered my bloatedness. I feel at my all time low right now but that will change, I'm going home for a few days so that means eating a lot.

My mom is constantly remarking on my weight, its getting a little irritating. I don't even have weird eating habits around her, I eat perfectly normal. Granted last summer I was home I never ate so maybe she still remembers that time. It kinda stinks that she's seen me at a higher weight. None of my friends ever comment on my weight or eating habits because thats all they've known. But family knows different, I used to be bigger and wear a size 9. Now I wear a size 5 and my mom has definitely noticed. One time she was eyeing the size of this skirt I had and remarked on how I used to wear larger sizes. I've told her that I became more health conscious and just work out more. I really need advice to convince her to get off my back and stop commenting on my weight. I already eat normal around her, probably even more than I should. What else could I do?

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Can I technically still have an ED even if I am happy? What is this? Because really I am. I don’t feel guilty or like a failure if I break a fast or eat carbs. And I don’t feel depressed if I put on a few pounds. But then I do feel I have an ED. To type ED just feels so dirty, like I’m diseased. I do not feel diseased. I’m not depressed or antisocial like I used to be. Granted I can be very introverted and in need of personal space, but I wouldn’t class myself as antisocial like I would have in highschool. I won’t deny I have an ED either. Because frankly I like the feeling of an empty stomach, and I like the feeling of my collar bones and flat stomach. I like my wrists and skinny arms. And sometimes I forget to eat without realizing it. I also lose my appetite easily. Other times I have a very healthy appetite but that’s only when I am surrounded by people or just bored. Most of the time I’d rather not eat. And I used to use my ED for control but now I feel like I do have control in my life aside from my eating habits. I know I have an ED because its obvious I’m skinnier and my mom practically stuffs me with food everytime I am home. But I’m happy and would love to be skinnier just to see if I can. So am I free of an ED or have I embraced it?

I think the most important thing is that I make sure I'm not malnourished and develop a warped body image. I honestly think I have a positive body image and may need to start taking vitamins. But then thats my own opinion which could be warped itself. So be as honest as you girls can, and I will return the favor. I know it may be hard to do over the net lol, but let me know if I become mental. My goal weight is still 120, and I'll be trying to reach 117 just to see how I look but no lower!

So I was supposed to fast today. Didn't but still feel pretty good. In the last 24 hours I drank water and Gatorade, and had a salad and some chocolate. Overall pretty good, my skinny jeans are even loose and I'm on my period! So thats pretty amazing. Let me know how you guys are doing. Thanks everyone that did thinspo for me, you guys truly rock I really appreciate it.

I just think she is gorgeous. Huge girl crush!!

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So while on my period I'm not really fasting, just not eating meals. I've decided to just snack all day when I feel hungry. So far I've eaten two apples, half a little bag of baked chips (70 calories) a slice of whole wheat bread and peanut butter. Even though peanut butter is high in calories its high in protein and keeps me feeling full. I plan on eating a salad for dinner which will be only 200 calories and then maybe snack all night while I work...then sleep all day tomorrow.

I want to thank xthinforever, I read your post about aspartame and will try to limit my intake of diet soda. I used to drink a can of diet soda to not eat breakfast and lunch in highschool. But eating breakfast is the best thing you can do for your metabolism. So once school starts my meal plan will be to eat an egg white omelet with spinach and a banana and water or juice and then drink tea and eat fruit for lunch and skip dinners every other day while at the gym everyday. My goal will be to burn 700 calories on the elpitical everyday, thats maybe 2 or 3 hours on it. If I have to settle, then I will settle for 500, but no less. And then maybe do some jogging or play tennis or badminton. Do you guys like my plan? I've been thinking about it for a while, can't wait to fully get my body on a good schedule.

Also want to thank the guys that have followed me. I look up your blogs when I can and follow them. I want to thank S, Dot, All About Lily, Fleur, Peekaboo, and many more. You guys really keep me motivated, it means so much

Edit: Wow I love how I fell so fast. Friend convinced me to eat pizza for dinner...and I had three slices! I'll save that salad for tomorrow. No more food tonight! I'm doing a water fast all night now. I can do this!

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Love of Boots

-tear falls- So I have these pair of jeans I use to really measure my weight until school starts. There are a size 5 skinny jeans that do not stretch at all. Really tight skinny jeans. They were a little loose on me a couple of days ago but after my junk food weekend they are tight once again. Thankfully they still button lol. In my defense I am about to get my period and I unfortunately gain like 5 pounds while on my period. I just feel a little discouraged and can’t wait for school to start. I want to live in the gym! I am going to buy an ipod shuffle soon too to exercise with.

So the friend who surprised me last weekend used to be skinnier than me in highschool. She’s gained maybe 10 pounds since then while I’ve lost like 10 pounds. I’m noticeably skinnier and she didn’t comment though she notices. We are supposedly going to be workout buddies when school starts. Is it mean for me to want to always remain skinnier than her? I feel mean lol for thinking I’m more disciplined than her and can stay in shape as well as lose weight. She loves food.

I want to thank all my new followers. I am checking out your blogs and following when I have the time. Also thanks guys for comments, let me know how your goals are going. I feel like I miss blog posts and can’t catch up all the time. Also I would like to thank you girls who post the thinspiration pics. For some reason I suck at finding them. If anyone needs any thinspiration ideas I would love for thinspo wearing boots =). I am obsessed with boots now lol.

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Horrible Surprise

So after hanging out with friends, another friend surprised me for the weekend. She ended up staying with me and so that meant a weekend binge fest. I just feel awful. We had to eat out for breakfast lunch and dinner =( Ugggghhhh. I know I gained weight. I just want to fast so bad right now. She just left and I can't wait to not eat. I am cringing at the thought of all the junk food I was pretty much forced to eat.

Also I have a horrible dependency on diet soda. I need recommendations on how to switch away from it or to drink a substitute or something. I just love the carbonation and no calories but I do understand it is bad for me. Thanks so guys for following and commenting on my blog. I have been busy this weekend so I will be catching up on all the blogs. I hope you guys are doing well.

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Party time

So minus a forced fast food trip, I fasted pretty well the past couple of days. I do eat when I get hungry but only whole wheat bread, fruit, and peanut butter. And I drink sports drinks, diet soda and water. Thats been my diet for the past few days. I haven't had a real meal in maybe a week but its all good. Today I am hanging out with a big group of friends all night so ofcourse that means food. Good news is that we will be playing laser tag and bowling so at least I will burn some calories. But today is my treat day so I will just eat and enjoy myself. My skinny jeans are a little loose on me =o. So that must mean good news. I'm going to shopping for more jeans once I hit my target weight so I can buy clothes and not have to worry that it will be too big for me.

Keep up the blogging girls, know that I am rooting for you all! My dream body!! I feel that I am there just need a few more pounds gone =o

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Pics of Me

I'm going to take these down soon after a few comments. I'm pretty skinny. I just swear all my weight is in my butt lol.

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I hate to create two blogs in one day but yaaay!! So I was feeling a little meh about my laziness and ran to weigh myself while shop for some groceries. I honestly was expecting 127, 128 maybe 126 if I was lucky. Nope! It said 122. something which I round to 122 because of shoes clothes etc etc. 122!!! Ahhhh my all time low. I just don't understand though. Is it bad that I don't feel 122? I feel it was broken. I feel I really weigh maybe 124. In my head I'm thinking, ok Nic you really are 124 because of all that junk food you ate the other day. This cheap scale is broken (grocery store scale). But a part of me is giggling inside thinking 122!

I mean I look skinny, I feel skinnier. I just don't feel 122. Is that bad? Because think about it. What if I weighed 100 pounds and felt 130. I know thats an exageration but I am just not sure. I don't want to get down to 115 and still feel the same. That would be tragic. Right now in my mind I'm thinking if I'm 122, 123, or 124...will I feel the same at 120? Probably. Not that I feel bad or anything. I just don't want to lose it, you know. I am still decided on what my lowest weight would be. I will never weigh lower than 115, that would just be frightening. But 120...hmm I am thinking more like 118. But then how different is 118 from 115?

I really need some thoughts on this. Granted it might be hard without pics of me. I do have some but do not want to keep them up long so post the best time to put them up. I wanna thank Dot and xthinforever for really rooting me along as well as all my followers. Thanks guys =)

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Arrrgggg I am feeling so lazy, its awful. I haven't been fasting. I haven't been binging either, I just feel in between. I love the feeling of fasting but the feeling of eating is consuming me as well. I still feel the same size but meh, I don't feel hungry yet I eat anyway. I might feel better if I just do not eat dinner tonight.

I suppose in my defense I havent really been on my normal schedule. Normally I work all night so I barely eat and then I sleep all day. Now I've been up all day this past week with people and food everywhere. Tonight is the first night I get back to work so maybe I can start my fasting once again. Please guys wish me luck. I need to weigh myself now. Maybe thats what I will go do. Thinspiration time!!

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Back Home

Well I am officially back at school. I ate a lot yesterday =( I was busy working all day with coworkers and we had a lot of fast food for lunch and dinner. And I'm not even hungry right now and I'm craving junk food. Right now I am just trying not to cave in. Today I am back on track. I should just fast today. I am feeling great though, wore these skinny jeans yesterday that are normally tight around the waist but they weren't at all! That was before the junk food though lol. If I fast today I'll feel better so wish me luck.

I still can't really track my progress since I do not have a scale. Its rather annoying. So I suppose I won't officially start my weight loss goal until school starts because thats when I can work out and weigh myself on a regular basis. It seems so far away though. I will continue to fast and watch what I eat but I can't wait to make it official.

Hope you all are doing well and thankyou for following me! I wil try and update everyday or every other day at the latest. I have to work al day again with coworkers but this time not as long as yesterday. Its fasting time! I need some thinspiration.

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Will Power

Ahhh I've been gone and have so many blogs to read lol. I'll do a quick update about myself then finishing reading blogs.

My weekend was awesome, had a great time. And even better yet?? I still ate right. I feel amazing. I was fasting and not even realizing it. I have to admit I feel guilty sometimes because lately my mody has been hungry but not my mind. So while my body is throwing a fit, I have no desire to eat sometimes. I feel guilty because I love that feeling. Once again it's my need for control taking over me. How could I not feel powerful by such will power. But! There is a but. I do realize that this really isn't a good thing sometimes so I do eat. Very little though. I find that even if I have superb self control, eating a small meal will prevent me from binging. And I have yet to binge =D

I am really happy today. Its currently 6 in the morning for me and I am typing this before I head to the airport. I fasted, ate right when I did eat, and just recieved a ton of compliments from my friends. One of my friends however is overweight and when we went out to eat I ordered a 6 inch wheat sub with just turkey and it filled me pretty up. He on the other hand ordered a ton of food, all of it greasy and disgusting and ate it like a beast. I was really disgusted...but he is a god friend. He is severely obese and I'm just sad that he really doesn't want to change his ways.

I want to thank everyone for commenting, they really mean a lot I love them. I'm currently going to not diet today. I am thinking of even eating a burger probably won't happen lol. I have to convince myself to eat fast food. The other day I really wanted fries but when I went to a fast food place I felt sick and left. But I have decided that Sundays I will eat whatever, treat myself. I hope you are all doing well. I read every blog I am following! So post if I am not following your blog.

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I want to thank you all for your comments, I really do appreciate them =). I've been busy to I'll do a quick update. I'm back at school and feeling great. I love how my mom cooked me a huge breakfast which I ate ofcourse. She knows I do not eat as much as she'd like. I think I eat just fine but its ok.

Once I got back I fasted to relieve some of the bloatedness I was feeling. I fasted for 24hours and then ate 500 calories today. I feel great though, and even a little slimmer. I'm going out of town when I wake up, flying to hang out with friends so I won't concern myself with dieting.

I'm am disappointed however that I can't weigh myself. I don't own a scale and the only scales on campus are in the gym which I can't go to because I didn't pay for summer membership. I think I might have to rely on the grocery store lol. But just going by looks I'd estimate myself around 125, maybe 124. I want to wish everyone luck with their goals and I am glad you guys found my last post inspirational.

What I really would like to know now, is what do you guys love most about yourselves physically? Something that you are never self conscious about and even love showing off. I personally love my shoulders and collar bone. I adore wearing tank tops and razor backs to show them off. I plan on posting a picture soon as well =). If you guys are comfortable enough feel free to post what you like along with a picture on your own blog. For now take care ^^

Megan Fox looking lovely

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Loneliness and Freedom

I had the urge to write this, for myself and for anyone who is reading. Sorry if its long, but I think it’s a worthwhile read.

This is my first time admitting any of this to myself. In the 9th grade I suffered from depression and insomnia. I was going through a lot at that time in my life and I just hated everything. I had no friends, I skipped school a lot, and I had no confidence. I was 5’7” or 5’6” and weighed 138 pounds. Back then I thought I was huge and ugly. I wore baggy pants and jackets all the time. That’s what my wardrobe consisted of. I was isolated internally. I never reached out to anyone. I ended up missing maybe 1/3rd of school and was sent to the principal’s office a few times concerning my attendance. I was going to be sent to counseling if I didn’t get better. Luckily in the tenth grade I did. I think I owe my sanity to soccer. I was on the brink of doing something bad to myself but on a random day I decided to try out for the team. And to my surprise I made it. While on the team the last thing I thought about was my weight or body or food. You simply can’t diet or starve while running miles every day and doing all these sorts of exercises. Every day after practice when I would get home I would stuff my mouth with food. Practice made you want to eat your arm of, it was so draining. But oh so fulfilling and rewarding. I felt so empowered. In soccer, the skinniest girl better run the fastest or she will get knocked down. It’s a brutal sport.

It helped but then in the 11th grade I went to another school that was purely for academics so they offered no sports. I’m a nerd lol so it was a great school with college classes and whatnot. But then my insecurities came back. I couldn’t make friends, I started hating myself again. Once again my home life wasn’t the greatest. I hated going home, I hated going to school. I hated existing. Now looking back, I would say I had an ED. I didn’t think I did then because well I was never skinny. It took two years for me to permanently lose 13, plus or minus, pounds. Because that’s what happens when you aren’t happy. Food either becomes a friend or an enemy. For me it was an enemy. It was my way of control. I’ve researched eating disorders enough to know exactly what was happening to me. I had no control in my life. I couldn’t control my family problems. I had no one looking out for me. I was invisible. I was all that I had. With food I had power over some aspect of myself. I slowly started to change as I became more involved in academics and some clubs, made some friends.

I felt better and I was also losing weight. Between 11th and 12th grade I went from a size 9 always wearing bagging pants and jackets to a size 5 wearing decent tops and pants. In college I really got into style and now have tons of tank tops and skinny jeans and so on. But then I realized something more. Food was no longer my enemy. I wasn’t scared of gaining weight (though it would suck). Freshman year I went through the freshmen 15…I gained like 7. But it was no big deal, I ate less went to the gym more. Got back on track.

When I think about it, I’ve never been happier than I am now. I have great friends now, an awesome college life. I like what I see most of the time and I know it’s not because I am skinnier. I won’t lie; being fit does boost the confidence. But at the end of the day, your happiness determines how good you look. I am doing great in school and even plan on studying abroad. This is the perfect time now to finally reach my ultimate goals when it comes to my body. Maybe even get a boyfriend. Because food is not my enemy now. I have changed my whole view on food. It’s just there for nourishment. Nothing more, nothing less. If I feel weak or have a sweet tooth I eat. I can’t believe I thought I was fat when I weighed 138. Granted I still do not think I was skinny, I was far from fat. That just goes to show how much we truly define ourselves in our own minds. Because no matter how skinny you really are, ultimately if you aren’t happy it doesn’t matter.

I want to reach out to people to let them know you are not alone. I know what loneliness and isolation tastes like, I’ve been there, but I also know what freedom and happiness feels like. So don’t hesitate to email me, whoever you are. For now, tell me what makes you happy, anything that makes you truly smile.

She’s beautiful because she is smiling

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Feeling Impatient

I really like being home, its relaxing. And I like spending time with my mom, she is one of my best friends. We even got pedicures together today. But I can't wait to go back to my real home which would be my campus. I feel more free there. My mom means well but she is always watching over me only when it comes to food. I just feel so bloated when I am here.

I personally feel that I am pretty average, maybe a little slim for my height but she always says I am too skinny. Seriously, does she want me to gain weight or something? I feel she would only be satisfied if I weighed like 140 or something. So when I am around her I just have to eat and it gets annoying. Because I like to eat only when I am hungry but I end up eating everytime she feels its appropriate to. All I ate today was some fruit and a 6inch sub but I feel so bloated now and I have a feeling she is going to want to take me out to eat more.

I want to diet now! So I am getting a little impatient now. I go "home" which is my campus wednesday. Then I can just be myself and eat when I want to. I am really in the mindset now that I want to eat less and healthier. I am ready to cut out all junk food including candy. I want to turn fruits into my new candy and water into my new soda.

I must say though I am feeling pretty confident with myself even if I do feel bloated. I hate when guys hit on me while I am walking down the street but I won't lie it is a confidence booster. I went shopping today wearing a cute tank top and skinny jeans and I always feel good. I like my body I do feel great most of the time, I just want to feel great all the time. I want to be leaner, with more muscles. I can't wait for school to start I already have everything planned out. My meal and workout schedules are already in my head, I just need to do it. I can't until next week though since I am going out of town with friends this weekend. And during the summer I can't workout in the gym because I am a cheapo and don't want to pay for summer membership. So the rest of the summer will consist of just dieting and when the semester start I'll add my workout plan into the dieting.

But for now, to my few readers, thankyou guys so much for letting me know you are out there. Feel free to post so I can know about your blogs and let me know who your celebrity crush is =o. Mine is Edward Norton among many others =)

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Currently Careless

So I am just going to do a quick intro about myself. I'm in college and mostly on my own. I am currently visiting the family for the week so I dare not try to diet while here. I've never really had an ED but I have become noticiably skinnier in the past couple of years...not much in my opinion but my mom comments on it all the time. I think I am average she feels I am skinny and comments on it all the time. So I don't bother to watch what I eat around her. She isn't overbearing or anything I just don't want her to think I have any sort of problem because frankly I don't. I love food, I just hate overeating. Oh and I ramble a lot so sorry ;).

My goal for this summer and next year is to hit my goal weight of 120. I ultimately want to maintain a weight between 115 and 120. I think that is the perfect weight for my body and I plan on reaching through healthy and limited eating and exercise. I am a lazy person to be honest and hate exercise but once school starts I plan on hitting the gym everyday. I never count calories and don't plan to but I will post all my meals on here just to stay on track. When I say limited I mean it, one meal a day and many snacks and a lot of exercising

I won't really start dieting until I go back to school. I live on campus all year round even during the summer since I work for the school and get free summer housing. I lurked these blogs for a while and even made one then deleted it...I don't know why. But then I realized I need my own little secret place to just release everything I hold back...

I've been having nightmares recently and I think its a result from my nasty habit of being so secretive and bottled up. I have many friends but at the end of the day I doubt they truly know me. My nightmares consist of my teeth falling out. It sounds foolish but these dreams are sometimes traumatic and painful. Sometimes I don't know I'm dreaming and other times I know I am but can't wake up despite my pleeing. I've had them too frequently to ignore them now. So i feel this blog will help with that. They say when you have a dream that your teeth are falling out, its a sign of vanity and insecurity or a sign that you have a secret. Ironic really. Its probably a mixture of both. I have much more to say but I will end this blog with this:

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The Beginning

So funny thing is I made this blog then deleted unsure if I should be here. But I'm here and will be rambling often. So hopefully I am entertaining enough for you to read. As for now, my ultimate thinspiration

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