Painful Envy

I know an Ana. She's gorgeous, little, and kind. Everyone adores her. I remember one time sitting behind her at a work meeting. I could see her spine bones through her shirt as she leaned forward. She is rather too thin, but lovely. She and Ana it seems are dear friends. She openly remarks on how she wants to be thin...it’s shocking sometimes. She casually said to people that she was so excited school was over so she could lose weight...I don't think there is weight left for her to lose. I was shocked as I keep my ED secret. Her ED is rather obvious. But I suppose like myself, everyone is too scared to say anything about it. She's rather lovely. I'm not sure how I feel around her. Part of me is envious how gorgeous she looks. And another part of me feels sad for her. Does she see it? How lovely and graceful she looks? How easily her clothes drape around her small frame. She has to see how gorgeous she is. But we're all the same aren't we? Blind.

As for my boy trouble so to speak, it's only getting worse. He and my good friend are so close it seems...ugh I hate jealousy. But how I suffer from it immensely. It’s consuming me...and it seems no matter how little I eat, she still has her hold on me. I'm not a fan of Ana, like I said before I'd rather be a loner. But I wish more than ever for Ana to fill Envy's place.

I haven't had a meal in almost 2 days. (Just tiny snacks and barely) I'm going to make it 3.

I'm not sure why I am restricting. Do I want to lose weight? I suppose. Do I want to be thin? Of course. But no...this is different. I mostly crave pain it seems. I assure you I am not ill, even if it seems so. I am perfectly able to eat, not feel guilty, not count calories, not care...but I just want to feel emptiness. I want to be alone, even from nourishment.