Painful Envy

I know an Ana. She's gorgeous, little, and kind. Everyone adores her. I remember one time sitting behind her at a work meeting. I could see her spine bones through her shirt as she leaned forward. She is rather too thin, but lovely. She and Ana it seems are dear friends. She openly remarks on how she wants to be’s shocking sometimes. She casually said to people that she was so excited school was over so she could lose weight...I don't think there is weight left for her to lose. I was shocked as I keep my ED secret. Her ED is rather obvious. But I suppose like myself, everyone is too scared to say anything about it. She's rather lovely. I'm not sure how I feel around her. Part of me is envious how gorgeous she looks. And another part of me feels sad for her. Does she see it? How lovely and graceful she looks? How easily her clothes drape around her small frame. She has to see how gorgeous she is. But we're all the same aren't we? Blind.

As for my boy trouble so to speak, it's only getting worse. He and my good friend are so close it seems...ugh I hate jealousy. But how I suffer from it immensely. It’s consuming me...and it seems no matter how little I eat, she still has her hold on me. I'm not a fan of Ana, like I said before I'd rather be a loner. But I wish more than ever for Ana to fill Envy's place.

I haven't had a meal in almost 2 days. (Just tiny snacks and barely) I'm going to make it 3.

I'm not sure why I am restricting. Do I want to lose weight? I suppose. Do I want to be thin? Of course. But no...this is different. I mostly crave pain it seems. I assure you I am not ill, even if it seems so. I am perfectly able to eat, not feel guilty, not count calories, not care...but I just want to feel emptiness. I want to be alone, even from nourishment.

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Thankyou for the comments guys =). I will be catching up on your blogs tonight after I ramble...

Sometimes I feel sad, and this sadness feels foreign. Mainly because I cannot pinpoint exactly what is causing it...I have faint ideas but I am helpless to solve them.

I like a guy that will never notice me. I know it’s not due to looks. It’s due to my personality. Which is ironic. I am so clever and fun, but as soon as I am in the same room as him, my mind goes blank and I must be so boring. I have accepted that it just won't work out, but what kills kills me because I know he is becoming close friends with my best friend. She likes him too, because he's pretty awesome. And she's awesome around him, when normally it’s the opposite for us. I am the outgoing, fun one, and she is the quiet one. I am prettier too, she is self conscious. Yet I am struggling. I do not envy her, I love her. I just hate that I am failing at not being so nervous. I hate how guys like me but I have no interest in them and as soon as I like the point I easily ignore their faults, I fail and they never notice or desire me.

I guess I do know the cause of my sadness. This feeling that makes my stomach sick, it's not butterflies. It's seeing what I want right in front of my eyes, and being absolutely helpless in obtaining it. I hate this feeling.

I wish I could forget everyone forever. I love loneliness. I walked alone for hours today, admiring the stars and the cold air. I rarely see the stars. But that feeling in my stomach returned; that sickness. I know what I want. I do desire loneliness, but I want to be lonely with someone. I want us to be lonely forever.

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Freedom, Bravery, Desires

Freedom. It's what I truly desire. Freedom from people, freedom from my weaknesses, freedom from my limitations. I will be leaving the country soon, I am studying abroad. I can't wait. I do not fear change and another country where I will barely speak the language. (I have been studying it for over a year and will be able to get by). Some people would fear this but I welcome it with open arms. I will be free from everyone and all of their expectations. I wonder how skinny I will be with this new freedom.

Update wise, I am still te same size, maybe 120, 121 pounds. It feels great, I feel great. But I want to feel even greater. I want to be that person I know I am inside. She's smart, loving, witty, gorgeous in her own way. She fears nothing. She can do anything she sets her mind to. I want people to envy me. I want them to wish they were as brave as me.

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I went away. I won’t explain why or where, but I’m back for a little while. Forgive me if I disappear again, but I just want to express myself

I know this will sound crazy but I will say it anyway.

I’ve come to realize that we all need balance. That creative, witty, intelligent perfect guy…he must be socially awkward, self loathing, miserable. That is the way it must be. We are ineptly designed for balance, even if it is against our will. I strive for perfection in everything I do, yet I have come to realize I equally strive for destruction. Maybe it is against my will, maybe I secretly love it. I have not come to make such a conclusion yet. But I cannot deny what I see. I have denied myself for too long. I excel, because it’s what I like to do. I am an A student, beloved daughter, a hard worker, a good friend. Yet here I am: self destruction, killing myself and loving every minute of it. Well I exaggerate. I am well aware of my limits. I would never be able to kill myself. But the very thought of it excites me. I like to inflict pain on myself, even if I fear it. I fear pain with every bone in my body. But I cause pain, every time I resist…and sleep to the soft drumming of my heart. It feels good. Control feels good. I like control. But at the same time I am not scared of losing control either. Yes I hate losing control in my daily life, I must control everything. I plan a lot. That is maybe another reason why I am this way. Because when I can’t control something…I instead control my self-inflicted pain. I have spent a lot of time trying to rationalize my disorder. At first I denied it. Those words frightened me…eating disorder. Now they casually roll of my lips and I smile inside. Because it’s not as bad as it could be. I don’t puke, take pills, and cry if I eat a burger. I can just easily turn my hunger off. I hang out, pretend to be normal for a month, maybe gain a few pounds. Then I turn the switch off, and I forget to eat for days. I’ve accepted that part of me. And once I accepted it, I spent days trying to figure out why. Why did I have this urge to be skinny and in control? Did I lack confidence? At one point I did…at times I do. But for the most part I am very confident. Is my confidence due to my eating disorder? Maybe. I began to discover my reasons. I had an unstable childhood...moved a lot, trust issues, little friends. The list goes on. The sadness eventually went away but my disorder stayed. It’s my safe haven now…

And I’ve ranted for a bit. Till next time.

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