Emptiness

So I got into a weird argument with a close friend of mine. A friend I sometimes love and I sometimes hate. Or maybe I hate that I love him or wish I hated him more. I over complicate things and sometimes I am angry he isn't who I want him to be all the time. Yet there are times when he is everything and more. I've concluded that there will never be anything more than friendship between us. I just wish I could stop thinking about him in other ways.

Afterwards I worked all night and didn't eat. I type this now about to get off soon. My head is pounding. My stomach hurts so much I want to throw up to stop the feeling. To just stop feeling. There wouldn't be anything to throw up anyway. I feel too down to eat. Its like a form of punishment, this pain I am feeling. I'm not a masochist. I don't like feeling pain. But I do feel guilty for something...I just don't know what. I will shower and then sleep for 8 hours. I won't eat anything. I feel empty, void of everything. I wonder how I will feel when I wake up. Normally when I fall asleep on an empty stomach I wake up feeling full.


I have a feeling I will wake up empty.



6 comments:

Ana's Girl said...

You're doing such a good job, sweetie. If i had worked through the night, i definately would have binged. Seriously, you're very strong. Just stay strong! Much love.

pokerface said...

Thank you for the reminder :) I'll go take a multi vitamin when I've finished this comment. I understand everything you've written about feeling in this post. Try doing something to help your mood. Meet up with a friend or watch a good funny film. You reminded me about nutrients so eat something small like an apple :)? It's okay fasting and restricting when you're in control, but when you're doing it to punish yourself because you're feeling down, I don't agree with it. Take care of yourself girl, you deserve it.

xthinforever said...

That seems like a pretty complicated situation. Because, subconciously, you wish you two could be more. You wish he could be the one to sweep you off your feet and be that person want him to be all the time. And why? Because you are comfortable with him, but you know he can't be that person because he can't be your everything all the time. :( I know that feeling. Anywho, wake up feeling beautiful. :)

swt mzry said...

You are doing amazing girl! I hope you feel better though..

Guy situations are always tough-- But just do you best to keep your mind off of it and it will work itself out. Just focus on your goals that you are doing fabulously at :)

stranger said...

Wow, very moving. I'm glad that you are back and are not obliged to eat (I still have 2 weeks with my parents before I move back on campus). But I'm sad that you feel so down.
Go shopping, go skipping in the park, or read something lovely))

You did good! Stay strong and thin!
<3 Love your blog!

Lo

Dot said...

I'm sorry you're down honey : ( Guys are always so difficult....and it's so frustrating when we can see someone's amazing potential, but they can't.
I hope you feel better beautiful! <3

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