Loneliness and Freedom

I had the urge to write this, for myself and for anyone who is reading. Sorry if its long, but I think it’s a worthwhile read.

This is my first time admitting any of this to myself. In the 9th grade I suffered from depression and insomnia. I was going through a lot at that time in my life and I just hated everything. I had no friends, I skipped school a lot, and I had no confidence. I was 5’7” or 5’6” and weighed 138 pounds. Back then I thought I was huge and ugly. I wore baggy pants and jackets all the time. That’s what my wardrobe consisted of. I was isolated internally. I never reached out to anyone. I ended up missing maybe 1/3rd of school and was sent to the principal’s office a few times concerning my attendance. I was going to be sent to counseling if I didn’t get better. Luckily in the tenth grade I did. I think I owe my sanity to soccer. I was on the brink of doing something bad to myself but on a random day I decided to try out for the team. And to my surprise I made it. While on the team the last thing I thought about was my weight or body or food. You simply can’t diet or starve while running miles every day and doing all these sorts of exercises. Every day after practice when I would get home I would stuff my mouth with food. Practice made you want to eat your arm of, it was so draining. But oh so fulfilling and rewarding. I felt so empowered. In soccer, the skinniest girl better run the fastest or she will get knocked down. It’s a brutal sport.

It helped but then in the 11th grade I went to another school that was purely for academics so they offered no sports. I’m a nerd lol so it was a great school with college classes and whatnot. But then my insecurities came back. I couldn’t make friends, I started hating myself again. Once again my home life wasn’t the greatest. I hated going home, I hated going to school. I hated existing. Now looking back, I would say I had an ED. I didn’t think I did then because well I was never skinny. It took two years for me to permanently lose 13, plus or minus, pounds. Because that’s what happens when you aren’t happy. Food either becomes a friend or an enemy. For me it was an enemy. It was my way of control. I’ve researched eating disorders enough to know exactly what was happening to me. I had no control in my life. I couldn’t control my family problems. I had no one looking out for me. I was invisible. I was all that I had. With food I had power over some aspect of myself. I slowly started to change as I became more involved in academics and some clubs, made some friends.

I felt better and I was also losing weight. Between 11th and 12th grade I went from a size 9 always wearing bagging pants and jackets to a size 5 wearing decent tops and pants. In college I really got into style and now have tons of tank tops and skinny jeans and so on. But then I realized something more. Food was no longer my enemy. I wasn’t scared of gaining weight (though it would suck). Freshman year I went through the freshmen 15…I gained like 7. But it was no big deal, I ate less went to the gym more. Got back on track.

When I think about it, I’ve never been happier than I am now. I have great friends now, an awesome college life. I like what I see most of the time and I know it’s not because I am skinnier. I won’t lie; being fit does boost the confidence. But at the end of the day, your happiness determines how good you look. I am doing great in school and even plan on studying abroad. This is the perfect time now to finally reach my ultimate goals when it comes to my body. Maybe even get a boyfriend. Because food is not my enemy now. I have changed my whole view on food. It’s just there for nourishment. Nothing more, nothing less. If I feel weak or have a sweet tooth I eat. I can’t believe I thought I was fat when I weighed 138. Granted I still do not think I was skinny, I was far from fat. That just goes to show how much we truly define ourselves in our own minds. Because no matter how skinny you really are, ultimately if you aren’t happy it doesn’t matter.

I want to reach out to people to let them know you are not alone. I know what loneliness and isolation tastes like, I’ve been there, but I also know what freedom and happiness feels like. So don’t hesitate to email me, whoever you are. For now, tell me what makes you happy, anything that makes you truly smile.

She’s beautiful because she is smiling


Renae Flowers said...

wow...it takes a lot of strength to admit that. you really are an inspiration.

Desert flower said...

Love, love, love, love, LOVE this. thanks for writing it, i relate! what makes me smile? lots! but especially dancing. or those moments where everything seems ok. then i'm happy :) what makes you truly happy?

Dot said...

What a truly lovely post : ) I'm so happy for you to be at such a wonderful place in life. You have a very healthy and positive attitude. One day I would hope to have such an outlook.
Sparkling lights and swift romantic glances make me happy.
Thank you for such an uplifting post <3

All about Lily said...

Thank you for openning the way you just did. I know it's not easy...I can't do it myself.
But it makes me want to do it. Maybe some day I'll get there!
What makes me happy? Well, one of the thing is making my 18 months old niece laugh.

Anonymous said...

wow girl, that was a powerful story. im 5' 7" and 140, so i know about how your body looked. and you are so right, it doesnt matter how skinny you are, it wont matter if youre not happy. that is really inspiring. im going to follow your blog.

and i too, want to see what i look like at 115.

Snow White said...

That post was really healthy. I'm sure you felt like you took a load off of your back after posting that. I'm also glad you posted it and i hope you have no second thoughts about sharing yourself with everyone. I can't bring myself to really open up to anyone. What makes me smile? Ballet, jazz, and a good book. What makes you smile? You seem confident enough to always be wearing a smile.

Anonymous said...

Giiiiiiiirl I feel like I'm reading my own life here! Except I still don't like college. I'm just an introverted person, and college and introvertedness don't always work well together.

I love your attitude though! You're an inspiration.

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