Can I technically still have an ED even if I am happy? What is this? Because really I am. I don’t feel guilty or like a failure if I break a fast or eat carbs. And I don’t feel depressed if I put on a few pounds. But then I do feel I have an ED. To type ED just feels so dirty, like I’m diseased. I do not feel diseased. I’m not depressed or antisocial like I used to be. Granted I can be very introverted and in need of personal space, but I wouldn’t class myself as antisocial like I would have in highschool. I won’t deny I have an ED either. Because frankly I like the feeling of an empty stomach, and I like the feeling of my collar bones and flat stomach. I like my wrists and skinny arms. And sometimes I forget to eat without realizing it. I also lose my appetite easily. Other times I have a very healthy appetite but that’s only when I am surrounded by people or just bored. Most of the time I’d rather not eat. And I used to use my ED for control but now I feel like I do have control in my life aside from my eating habits. I know I have an ED because its obvious I’m skinnier and my mom practically stuffs me with food everytime I am home. But I’m happy and would love to be skinnier just to see if I can. So am I free of an ED or have I embraced it?

I think the most important thing is that I make sure I'm not malnourished and develop a warped body image. I honestly think I have a positive body image and may need to start taking vitamins. But then thats my own opinion which could be warped itself. So be as honest as you girls can, and I will return the favor. I know it may be hard to do over the net lol, but let me know if I become mental. My goal weight is still 120, and I'll be trying to reach 117 just to see how I look but no lower!

So I was supposed to fast today. Didn't but still feel pretty good. In the last 24 hours I drank water and Gatorade, and had a salad and some chocolate. Overall pretty good, my skinny jeans are even loose and I'm on my period! So thats pretty amazing. Let me know how you guys are doing. Thanks everyone that did thinspo for me, you guys truly rock I really appreciate it.

I just think she is gorgeous. Huge girl crush!!

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So while on my period I'm not really fasting, just not eating meals. I've decided to just snack all day when I feel hungry. So far I've eaten two apples, half a little bag of baked chips (70 calories) a slice of whole wheat bread and peanut butter. Even though peanut butter is high in calories its high in protein and keeps me feeling full. I plan on eating a salad for dinner which will be only 200 calories and then maybe snack all night while I work...then sleep all day tomorrow.

I want to thank xthinforever, I read your post about aspartame and will try to limit my intake of diet soda. I used to drink a can of diet soda to not eat breakfast and lunch in highschool. But eating breakfast is the best thing you can do for your metabolism. So once school starts my meal plan will be to eat an egg white omelet with spinach and a banana and water or juice and then drink tea and eat fruit for lunch and skip dinners every other day while at the gym everyday. My goal will be to burn 700 calories on the elpitical everyday, thats maybe 2 or 3 hours on it. If I have to settle, then I will settle for 500, but no less. And then maybe do some jogging or play tennis or badminton. Do you guys like my plan? I've been thinking about it for a while, can't wait to fully get my body on a good schedule.

Also want to thank the guys that have followed me. I look up your blogs when I can and follow them. I want to thank S, Dot, All About Lily, Fleur, Peekaboo, and many more. You guys really keep me motivated, it means so much


Edit: Wow I love how I fell so fast. Friend convinced me to eat pizza for dinner...and I had three slices! I'll save that salad for tomorrow. No more food tonight! I'm doing a water fast all night now. I can do this!

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-tear falls- So I have these pair of jeans I use to really measure my weight until school starts. There are a size 5 skinny jeans that do not stretch at all. Really tight skinny jeans. They were a little loose on me a couple of days ago but after my junk food weekend they are tight once again. Thankfully they still button lol. In my defense I am about to get my period and I unfortunately gain like 5 pounds while on my period. I just feel a little discouraged and can’t wait for school to start. I want to live in the gym! I am going to buy an ipod shuffle soon too to exercise with.

So the friend who surprised me last weekend used to be skinnier than me in highschool. She’s gained maybe 10 pounds since then while I’ve lost like 10 pounds. I’m noticeably skinnier and she didn’t comment though she notices. We are supposedly going to be workout buddies when school starts. Is it mean for me to want to always remain skinnier than her? I feel mean lol for thinking I’m more disciplined than her and can stay in shape as well as lose weight. She loves food.

I want to thank all my new followers. I am checking out your blogs and following when I have the time. Also thanks guys for comments, let me know how your goals are going. I feel like I miss blog posts and can’t catch up all the time. Also I would like to thank you girls who post the thinspiration pics. For some reason I suck at finding them. If anyone needs any thinspiration ideas I would love for thinspo wearing boots =). I am obsessed with boots now lol.

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So after hanging out with friends, another friend surprised me for the weekend. She ended up staying with me and so that meant a weekend binge fest. I just feel awful. We had to eat out for breakfast lunch and dinner =( Ugggghhhh. I know I gained weight. I just want to fast so bad right now. She just left and I can't wait to not eat. I am cringing at the thought of all the junk food I was pretty much forced to eat.

Also I have a horrible dependency on diet soda. I need recommendations on how to switch away from it or to drink a substitute or something. I just love the carbonation and no calories but I do understand it is bad for me. Thanks so guys for following and commenting on my blog. I have been busy this weekend so I will be catching up on all the blogs. I hope you guys are doing well.

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So minus a forced fast food trip, I fasted pretty well the past couple of days. I do eat when I get hungry but only whole wheat bread, fruit, and peanut butter. And I drink sports drinks, diet soda and water. Thats been my diet for the past few days. I haven't had a real meal in maybe a week but its all good. Today I am hanging out with a big group of friends all night so ofcourse that means food. Good news is that we will be playing laser tag and bowling so at least I will burn some calories. But today is my treat day so I will just eat and enjoy myself. My skinny jeans are a little loose on me =o. So that must mean good news. I'm going to shopping for more jeans once I hit my target weight so I can buy clothes and not have to worry that it will be too big for me.

Keep up the blogging girls, know that I am rooting for you all! My dream body!! I feel that I am there just need a few more pounds gone =o

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I'm going to take these down soon after a few comments. I'm pretty skinny. I just swear all my weight is in my butt lol.

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I hate to create two blogs in one day but yaaay!! So I was feeling a little meh about my laziness and ran to weigh myself while shop for some groceries. I honestly was expecting 127, 128 maybe 126 if I was lucky. Nope! It said 122. something which I round to 122 because of shoes clothes etc etc. 122!!! Ahhhh my all time low. I just don't understand though. Is it bad that I don't feel 122? I feel it was broken. I feel I really weigh maybe 124. In my head I'm thinking, ok Nic you really are 124 because of all that junk food you ate the other day. This cheap scale is broken (grocery store scale). But a part of me is giggling inside thinking 122!

I mean I look skinny, I feel skinnier. I just don't feel 122. Is that bad? Because think about it. What if I weighed 100 pounds and felt 130. I know thats an exageration but I am just not sure. I don't want to get down to 115 and still feel the same. That would be tragic. Right now in my mind I'm thinking if I'm 122, 123, or 124...will I feel the same at 120? Probably. Not that I feel bad or anything. I just don't want to lose it, you know. I am still decided on what my lowest weight would be. I will never weigh lower than 115, that would just be frightening. But 120...hmm I am thinking more like 118. But then how different is 118 from 115?

I really need some thoughts on this. Granted it might be hard without pics of me. I do have some but do not want to keep them up long so post the best time to put them up. I wanna thank Dot and xthinforever for really rooting me along as well as all my followers. Thanks guys =)

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Arrrgggg I am feeling so lazy, its awful. I haven't been fasting. I haven't been binging either, I just feel in between. I love the feeling of fasting but the feeling of eating is consuming me as well. I still feel the same size but meh, I don't feel hungry yet I eat anyway. I might feel better if I just do not eat dinner tonight.

I suppose in my defense I havent really been on my normal schedule. Normally I work all night so I barely eat and then I sleep all day. Now I've been up all day this past week with people and food everywhere. Tonight is the first night I get back to work so maybe I can start my fasting once again. Please guys wish me luck. I need to weigh myself now. Maybe thats what I will go do. Thinspiration time!!

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Well I am officially back at school. I ate a lot yesterday =( I was busy working all day with coworkers and we had a lot of fast food for lunch and dinner. And I'm not even hungry right now and I'm craving junk food. Right now I am just trying not to cave in. Today I am back on track. I should just fast today. I am feeling great though, wore these skinny jeans yesterday that are normally tight around the waist but they weren't at all! That was before the junk food though lol. If I fast today I'll feel better so wish me luck.

I still can't really track my progress since I do not have a scale. Its rather annoying. So I suppose I won't officially start my weight loss goal until school starts because thats when I can work out and weigh myself on a regular basis. It seems so far away though. I will continue to fast and watch what I eat but I can't wait to make it official.

Hope you all are doing well and thankyou for following me! I wil try and update everyday or every other day at the latest. I have to work al day again with coworkers but this time not as long as yesterday. Its fasting time! I need some thinspiration.

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Ahhh I've been gone and have so many blogs to read lol. I'll do a quick update about myself then finishing reading blogs.

My weekend was awesome, had a great time. And even better yet?? I still ate right. I feel amazing. I was fasting and not even realizing it. I have to admit I feel guilty sometimes because lately my mody has been hungry but not my mind. So while my body is throwing a fit, I have no desire to eat sometimes. I feel guilty because I love that feeling. Once again it's my need for control taking over me. How could I not feel powerful by such will power. But! There is a but. I do realize that this really isn't a good thing sometimes so I do eat. Very little though. I find that even if I have superb self control, eating a small meal will prevent me from binging. And I have yet to binge =D

I am really happy today. Its currently 6 in the morning for me and I am typing this before I head to the airport. I fasted, ate right when I did eat, and just recieved a ton of compliments from my friends. One of my friends however is overweight and when we went out to eat I ordered a 6 inch wheat sub with just turkey and it filled me pretty up. He on the other hand ordered a ton of food, all of it greasy and disgusting and ate it like a beast. I was really disgusted...but he is a god friend. He is severely obese and I'm just sad that he really doesn't want to change his ways.

I want to thank everyone for commenting, they really mean a lot I love them. I'm currently going to not diet today. I am thinking of even eating a burger today...it probably won't happen lol. I have to convince myself to eat fast food. The other day I really wanted fries but when I went to a fast food place I felt sick and left. But I have decided that Sundays I will eat whatever, treat myself. I hope you are all doing well. I read every blog I am following! So post if I am not following your blog.

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I want to thank you all for your comments, I really do appreciate them =). I've been busy to I'll do a quick update. I'm back at school and feeling great. I love how my mom cooked me a huge breakfast which I ate ofcourse. She knows I do not eat as much as she'd like. I think I eat just fine but its ok.

Once I got back I fasted to relieve some of the bloatedness I was feeling. I fasted for 24hours and then ate 500 calories today. I feel great though, and even a little slimmer. I'm going out of town when I wake up, flying to hang out with friends so I won't concern myself with dieting.

I'm am disappointed however that I can't weigh myself. I don't own a scale and the only scales on campus are in the gym which I can't go to because I didn't pay for summer membership. I think I might have to rely on the grocery store lol. But just going by looks I'd estimate myself around 125, maybe 124. I want to wish everyone luck with their goals and I am glad you guys found my last post inspirational.

What I really would like to know now, is what do you guys love most about yourselves physically? Something that you are never self conscious about and even love showing off. I personally love my shoulders and collar bone. I adore wearing tank tops and razor backs to show them off. I plan on posting a picture soon as well =). If you guys are comfortable enough feel free to post what you like along with a picture on your own blog. For now take care ^^

Megan Fox looking lovely

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I had the urge to write this, for myself and for anyone who is reading. Sorry if its long, but I think it’s a worthwhile read.

This is my first time admitting any of this to myself. In the 9th grade I suffered from depression and insomnia. I was going through a lot at that time in my life and I just hated everything. I had no friends, I skipped school a lot, and I had no confidence. I was 5’7” or 5’6” and weighed 138 pounds. Back then I thought I was huge and ugly. I wore baggy pants and jackets all the time. That’s what my wardrobe consisted of. I was isolated internally. I never reached out to anyone. I ended up missing maybe 1/3rd of school and was sent to the principal’s office a few times concerning my attendance. I was going to be sent to counseling if I didn’t get better. Luckily in the tenth grade I did. I think I owe my sanity to soccer. I was on the brink of doing something bad to myself but on a random day I decided to try out for the team. And to my surprise I made it. While on the team the last thing I thought about was my weight or body or food. You simply can’t diet or starve while running miles every day and doing all these sorts of exercises. Every day after practice when I would get home I would stuff my mouth with food. Practice made you want to eat your arm of, it was so draining. But oh so fulfilling and rewarding. I felt so empowered. In soccer, the skinniest girl better run the fastest or she will get knocked down. It’s a brutal sport.

It helped but then in the 11th grade I went to another school that was purely for academics so they offered no sports. I’m a nerd lol so it was a great school with college classes and whatnot. But then my insecurities came back. I couldn’t make friends, I started hating myself again. Once again my home life wasn’t the greatest. I hated going home, I hated going to school. I hated existing. Now looking back, I would say I had an ED. I didn’t think I did then because well I was never skinny. It took two years for me to permanently lose 13, plus or minus, pounds. Because that’s what happens when you aren’t happy. Food either becomes a friend or an enemy. For me it was an enemy. It was my way of control. I’ve researched eating disorders enough to know exactly what was happening to me. I had no control in my life. I couldn’t control my family problems. I had no one looking out for me. I was invisible. I was all that I had. With food I had power over some aspect of myself. I slowly started to change as I became more involved in academics and some clubs, made some friends.

I felt better and I was also losing weight. Between 11th and 12th grade I went from a size 9 always wearing bagging pants and jackets to a size 5 wearing decent tops and pants. In college I really got into style and now have tons of tank tops and skinny jeans and so on. But then I realized something more. Food was no longer my enemy. I wasn’t scared of gaining weight (though it would suck). Freshman year I went through the freshmen 15…I gained like 7. But it was no big deal, I ate less went to the gym more. Got back on track.

When I think about it, I’ve never been happier than I am now. I have great friends now, an awesome college life. I like what I see most of the time and I know it’s not because I am skinnier. I won’t lie; being fit does boost the confidence. But at the end of the day, your happiness determines how good you look. I am doing great in school and even plan on studying abroad. This is the perfect time now to finally reach my ultimate goals when it comes to my body. Maybe even get a boyfriend. Because food is not my enemy now. I have changed my whole view on food. It’s just there for nourishment. Nothing more, nothing less. If I feel weak or have a sweet tooth I eat. I can’t believe I thought I was fat when I weighed 138. Granted I still do not think I was skinny, I was far from fat. That just goes to show how much we truly define ourselves in our own minds. Because no matter how skinny you really are, ultimately if you aren’t happy it doesn’t matter.

I want to reach out to people to let them know you are not alone. I know what loneliness and isolation tastes like, I’ve been there, but I also know what freedom and happiness feels like. So don’t hesitate to email me, whoever you are. For now, tell me what makes you happy, anything that makes you truly smile.

She’s beautiful because she is smiling

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I really like being home, its relaxing. And I like spending time with my mom, she is one of my best friends. We even got pedicures together today. But I can't wait to go back to my real home which would be my campus. I feel more free there. My mom means well but she is always watching over me only when it comes to food. I just feel so bloated when I am here.

I personally feel that I am pretty average, maybe a little slim for my height but she always says I am too skinny. Seriously, does she want me to gain weight or something? I feel she would only be satisfied if I weighed like 140 or something. So when I am around her I just have to eat and it gets annoying. Because I like to eat only when I am hungry but I end up eating everytime she feels its appropriate to. All I ate today was some fruit and a 6inch sub but I feel so bloated now and I have a feeling she is going to want to take me out to eat more.

I want to diet now! So I am getting a little impatient now. I go "home" which is my campus wednesday. Then I can just be myself and eat when I want to. I am really in the mindset now that I want to eat less and healthier. I am ready to cut out all junk food including candy. I want to turn fruits into my new candy and water into my new soda.

I must say though I am feeling pretty confident with myself even if I do feel bloated. I hate when guys hit on me while I am walking down the street but I won't lie it is a confidence booster. I went shopping today wearing a cute tank top and skinny jeans and I always feel good. I like my body I do feel great most of the time, I just want to feel great all the time. I want to be leaner, with more muscles. I can't wait for school to start I already have everything planned out. My meal and workout schedules are already in my head, I just need to do it. I can't until next week though since I am going out of town with friends this weekend. And during the summer I can't workout in the gym because I am a cheapo and don't want to pay for summer membership. So the rest of the summer will consist of just dieting and when the semester start I'll add my workout plan into the dieting.


But for now, to my few readers, thankyou guys so much for letting me know you are out there. Feel free to post so I can know about your blogs and let me know who your celebrity crush is =o. Mine is Edward Norton among many others =)

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So I am just going to do a quick intro about myself. I'm in college and mostly on my own. I am currently visiting the family for the week so I dare not try to diet while here. I've never really had an ED but I have become noticiably skinnier in the past couple of years...not much in my opinion but my mom comments on it all the time. I think I am average she feels I am skinny and comments on it all the time. So I don't bother to watch what I eat around her. She isn't overbearing or anything I just don't want her to think I have any sort of problem because frankly I don't. I love food, I just hate overeating. Oh and I ramble a lot so sorry ;).

My goal for this summer and next year is to hit my goal weight of 120. I ultimately want to maintain a weight between 115 and 120. I think that is the perfect weight for my body and I plan on reaching through healthy and limited eating and exercise. I am a lazy person to be honest and hate exercise but once school starts I plan on hitting the gym everyday. I never count calories and don't plan to but I will post all my meals on here just to stay on track. When I say limited I mean it, one meal a day and many snacks and a lot of exercising

I won't really start dieting until I go back to school. I live on campus all year round even during the summer since I work for the school and get free summer housing. I lurked these blogs for a while and even made one then deleted it...I don't know why. But then I realized I need my own little secret place to just release everything I hold back...

I've been having nightmares recently and I think its a result from my nasty habit of being so secretive and bottled up. I have many friends but at the end of the day I doubt they truly know me. My nightmares consist of my teeth falling out. It sounds foolish but these dreams are sometimes traumatic and painful. Sometimes I don't know I'm dreaming and other times I know I am but can't wake up despite my pleeing. I've had them too frequently to ignore them now. So i feel this blog will help with that. They say when you have a dream that your teeth are falling out, its a sign of vanity and insecurity or a sign that you have a secret. Ironic really. Its probably a mixture of both. I have much more to say but I will end this blog with this:

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So funny thing is I made this blog then deleted unsure if I should be here. But I'm here and will be rambling often. So hopefully I am entertaining enough for you to read. As for now, my ultimate thinspiration

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