Disappearance

I went away. I won’t explain why or where, but I’m back for a little while. Forgive me if I disappear again, but I just want to express myself

I know this will sound crazy but I will say it anyway.

I’ve come to realize that we all need balance. That creative, witty, intelligent perfect guy…he must be socially awkward, self loathing, miserable. That is the way it must be. We are ineptly designed for balance, even if it is against our will. I strive for perfection in everything I do, yet I have come to realize I equally strive for destruction. Maybe it is against my will, maybe I secretly love it. I have not come to make such a conclusion yet. But I cannot deny what I see. I have denied myself for too long. I excel, because it’s what I like to do. I am an A student, beloved daughter, a hard worker, a good friend. Yet here I am: self destruction, killing myself and loving every minute of it. Well I exaggerate. I am well aware of my limits. I would never be able to kill myself. But the very thought of it excites me. I like to inflict pain on myself, even if I fear it. I fear pain with every bone in my body. But I cause pain, every time I resist…and sleep to the soft drumming of my heart. It feels good. Control feels good. I like control. But at the same time I am not scared of losing control either. Yes I hate losing control in my daily life, I must control everything. I plan a lot. That is maybe another reason why I am this way. Because when I can’t control something…I instead control my self-inflicted pain. I have spent a lot of time trying to rationalize my disorder. At first I denied it. Those words frightened me…eating disorder. Now they casually roll of my lips and I smile inside. Because it’s not as bad as it could be. I don’t puke, take pills, and cry if I eat a burger. I can just easily turn my hunger off. I hang out, pretend to be normal for a month, maybe gain a few pounds. Then I turn the switch off, and I forget to eat for days. I’ve accepted that part of me. And once I accepted it, I spent days trying to figure out why. Why did I have this urge to be skinny and in control? Did I lack confidence? At one point I did…at times I do. But for the most part I am very confident. Is my confidence due to my eating disorder? Maybe. I began to discover my reasons. I had an unstable childhood...moved a lot, trust issues, little friends. The list goes on. The sadness eventually went away but my disorder stayed. It’s my safe haven now…

And I’ve ranted for a bit. Till next time.