Nothing Ever Changes

How do you get over someone you never had in the first place? I hate myself for feeling so stupid. I do this too often. I'm a clingy loner. I'm a walking oxymoron, someone who loves no one but wishes to be loved.

Day three...I only had a frosty and a slice of pizza within the last 24 hours. My stomach feels content and I regret that feeling. I'd rather feel more pain; I like the idea of pain more every day.

I hate sounding so melodramatic. I hate melodramatic people. I know I am blowing the simplest issues out of proportion. Especially when my life could be worse. I witness so much suffering in the world and I sit here complaining of obscure things, pointless feelings. I always feel my feelings are pointless. That’s why I never tell anyone anything. I keep them all bottled up. They're pointless...possibly worthless. I merely record them on this blog...for random input and so one day I can read over this and be able to remember who I was, or am.

I'm an overachieving, lonely perfectionist. I doubt myself all the time. People compliment me on how smart I am, how driven, and motivated. Yet I feel stupid all the time. I feel lonely and unwanted. I notice people like myself all the time…I yearn to make those connections with them but I also fail to show people who I truly am. What’s wrong with me? I thought I was over feeling like this. I thought I had improved, become a better person inside and out. I’ve made so many friends, became more outgoing then I’ve ever been. But I'm still afraid it seems. I'm afraid of trusting people, of opening up. I’m afraid they'll laugh. I'm afraid of being a joke. So I keep everything inside. I'm afraid of pain...I must not be used to it by now.

Tomorrow is Day 4. I won’t eat anything tomorrow



4 comments:

Ana's Girl said...

Did something happen earlier in your life that makes you feel like people will dislike you? Maybe you should go to a counselor and find the root of those feelings so you can put a stop to them.You truly are a great person from what i can see, and i would love for you to feel that you are!

minaralou said...

Gosh,what a post!
Now that I have read this, I think I'm as well an oxymoron.Wanne desperately be loved but ca not love anyone else..

"I hate sounding so melodramatic. I hate melodramatic people. I know I am blowing the simplest issues out of proportion. Especially when my life could be worse. I witness so much suffering in the world and I sit here complaining of obscure things, pointless feelings. I always feel my feelings are pointless. That’s why I never tell anyone anything. I keep them all bottled up. They're pointless...possibly worthless."

Same with me hun!*biiiig hug* :C
We are weird complicated beings..huh?

Miss Burton said...

Thiiiis is so weird.
Because: I read two blogs last night. The night before, actually. Flushed's and yours. And i noticed how your blog started very casual and then you seemed to start telling us a bit more about yourself and seemed to be a bit happier or something but nooooow? Depressed :( And that made me depressed.
I kept reading your blog because it motivated me. Well that's the reason I started it. And I KEPT reading it because I liked your style. And now? Still like it but want some more happy posts so PLEEEEASE, Nic, be happy!
Ah I know, easy for me to say. I just want you to be happy. Haha. :)
And your guy problem?
EXACTLY THE SAME PROBLEM! Sucks doesn't it? Gruaaah. Not a very nice feeling.
Anyhow, I'll continue reading your blog. Yap.
x

J said...

Wow...That post really speaks to me.

I know what you mean, about being a lonely perfectionist. I'm like that too, I can't help it. If I do something perfectly, it doesn't necessarily make me happy, at least not for long - but if I don't do it perfectly, I'm absolutely miserable. So I do a lot of things really well, and people compliment me on my achievements, but at the same time I have no self-confidence and I feel absolutely worthless more often than not.

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