Freedom. It's what I truly desire. Freedom from people, freedom from my weaknesses, freedom from my limitations. I will be leaving the country soon, I am studying abroad. I can't wait. I do not fear change and another country where I will barely speak the language. (I have been studying it for over a year and will be able to get by). Some people would fear this but I welcome it with open arms. I will be free from everyone and all of their expectations. I wonder how skinny I will be with this new freedom.

Update wise, I am still te same size, maybe 120, 121 pounds. It feels great, I feel great. But I want to feel even greater. I want to be that person I know I am inside. She's smart, loving, witty, gorgeous in her own way. She fears nothing. She can do anything she sets her mind to. I want people to envy me. I want them to wish they were as brave as me.

Read Users' Comments ( 2 )

I went away. I won’t explain why or where, but I’m back for a little while. Forgive me if I disappear again, but I just want to express myself

I know this will sound crazy but I will say it anyway.

I’ve come to realize that we all need balance. That creative, witty, intelligent perfect guy…he must be socially awkward, self loathing, miserable. That is the way it must be. We are ineptly designed for balance, even if it is against our will. I strive for perfection in everything I do, yet I have come to realize I equally strive for destruction. Maybe it is against my will, maybe I secretly love it. I have not come to make such a conclusion yet. But I cannot deny what I see. I have denied myself for too long. I excel, because it’s what I like to do. I am an A student, beloved daughter, a hard worker, a good friend. Yet here I am: self destruction, killing myself and loving every minute of it. Well I exaggerate. I am well aware of my limits. I would never be able to kill myself. But the very thought of it excites me. I like to inflict pain on myself, even if I fear it. I fear pain with every bone in my body. But I cause pain, every time I resist…and sleep to the soft drumming of my heart. It feels good. Control feels good. I like control. But at the same time I am not scared of losing control either. Yes I hate losing control in my daily life, I must control everything. I plan a lot. That is maybe another reason why I am this way. Because when I can’t control something…I instead control my self-inflicted pain. I have spent a lot of time trying to rationalize my disorder. At first I denied it. Those words frightened me…eating disorder. Now they casually roll of my lips and I smile inside. Because it’s not as bad as it could be. I don’t puke, take pills, and cry if I eat a burger. I can just easily turn my hunger off. I hang out, pretend to be normal for a month, maybe gain a few pounds. Then I turn the switch off, and I forget to eat for days. I’ve accepted that part of me. And once I accepted it, I spent days trying to figure out why. Why did I have this urge to be skinny and in control? Did I lack confidence? At one point I did…at times I do. But for the most part I am very confident. Is my confidence due to my eating disorder? Maybe. I began to discover my reasons. I had an unstable childhood...moved a lot, trust issues, little friends. The list goes on. The sadness eventually went away but my disorder stayed. It’s my safe haven now…

And I’ve ranted for a bit. Till next time.

Read Users' Comments ( 1 )

So I am having a dilemma. At the beginning of the day I was sticking strict to my semi fast. But I was still sore from working out yesterday and was heading to work out again. At this time I had only had 600 calories all day. And I started feeling bad because I was physically tired and felt a little sick from lack of food. I felt like I was punishing my body for no reason. I felt like I was working out too much to be eating so little. But at the same time I want to be just a little thinner. I am thinner now with nice lean muscle and I feel great. But I don't want to stop and lose my progress.

So anyway afterwards I hung out with friends and let loose and ate two slices of pizza, some soda and ice cream. And then I felt bad for stuffing my face...I ate a normal amount of calories but I hate how its not 1000 or under. I am tempted to go work out right now (its kinda late) but my body is so sore. I feel like I have been working out a lot but it never seems enough. And I think I did ok...not as good as I wanted. And tomorrow is friday which I have designated my cheat day meaning absolutely no counting or not eating. I get to eat whatever I want and not feel guilty or bad about it. I feel that I will be watching what I eat and be away from friends this weekend so today and tomorrow won't matter. But I am still having mixed feelings about today...at times I feel like I am not eating enough and that my body is in unnecessary pain, but then at other times I wish I hadn't just eaten that pizza. What does reassure me however is when I look into the mirror...I like what I see.

Food today:

apple 80
three orange slices 30
egg white omelet spinach cheese 125
pear slices -40
water
granola bar -110
slice of bread with tuna 150
cookie dough - 140

After workout and feeling bad about not eating

two slices of pizza - 670
icecream - no clue
soda - 120


Total: 1465 not including icecream...so maybe real total is around 1700-1800
I did workout today maybe 100-200 calories. I like to round low.

Read Users' Comments ( 8 )

So I am proud to say I stuck to my plan ^^. Food I had today:

Breakfast - estimated 250 (more because I am iffy on the fruit and omelet)
egg white omelet spinach and cheese - 125
three slices of an orange - 25
water - 0
a piece of honey dew and some pear slices 50

lunch - 250 calories
green tea - 0
granola bar - 110
apple - 70
piece of chocolate - 70

Dinner - NONE!

Total - 500
Workout had to be at least 200

Managed to skip dinner and workout hardcore. When I say hardcore I mean my body is sore and I hope I can walk tomorrow lol. I am gaining lean muscle definition it feels awesome and today at soccer I was complimented on my speed. I love sprinting =) I almost had a problem today concerning dinner that I managed to avoid, kind of scared me though. A friend asked me to go to the cafeteria and I declined and said I was going out to eat...so she said she would come to! Talk about awkward. Luckily she was starving and wanted to eat right away. I said I wasn't hungry right at that moment and would eat later. I always feel a friend is going to call me out or something. But besides that today was awesome. I will try and do it again tomorrow.

I need to apologize as well. Because while I love comments I haven't been commenting on blogs. This is due to me just being busy, I barely find time to post a blog. And no I don't have some super life lol I just work a lot, work out, class and friends. So sorry if I am not commenting I really regret that. I do love to talk to people so if any of you seriously need to talk or need advice or support etc etc feel free to email me lovelycasualty@yahoo.com

Take care and good luck ^^

Read Users' Comments ( 5 )

So I am currently doing what you are not supposed to be doing; weighing myself on two different scales which keeps messing with my mind. First scale would be my roommate's which is a pretty high-tech expensive scale. Second scale would be the gym's scale which would include my sweating hair and gym shoes since it would look awkward taking my shoes off in front of people lol. Her scale (in the morning on an empty stomach) normally says 120. The gym scale (at night after tons of water and clothes and shoes) says 124 which I conclude to really be 122...but there is still a difference! And problem is neither says 119 =(

I have concluded that I am not hitting 119 (according to roommate's scale) because I keep eating dinner with all my friends. I only eat that one meal a day but it sucks because its social eating which always makes you eat more and in our dining hall which is basically a buffet. I haven't been able or even motivated to fast =(. So I devised a plan for tomorrow

Breakfast:
white egg omelet with spinach and cheese
banana

Lunch
Green tea with a granola bar

Dinner
Banana

Lol not sure if I can just do a banana for dinner. I am planning on going to practice with this club soccer team I joined for a couple of hours and then going to the gym. I desperately want the banana to hold me off but we will see. Wish me luck ^^ Your support means the world

Read Users' Comments ( 6 )

So I did it. I reached 120 again. I am ecstatic and feel great. As of now, I haven't eaten anything today and weighed myself this morning on an empty stomach. The plan is to eat a small to medium size dinner tonight, workout for an hour then head to bed on an empty stomach. I think I can reach 119 either tomorrow or the day after. Wow I am so going to reach 117 then go on a shopping spree! I have the cash all saved up lol =D

I honestly feel coming back to my blog really motivated me. You guys are just amazing. Ok now for gossip:

A really close friend of mine, we've been friends since highschool, used to be super skinnier than me, but she is super lazy. So we went to college and she gained a ton of weight, probably 10 pounds and now none of her clothes fit which sucks because they are all designer lol. She has no motivation to do anything, she would fail if tried to be proana. And I've lost weight but instead of her complimenting me, the jealousy is coming out (which I don't mind hehe). But its getting annoying because she is projecting her insecurities on me. For example with weight gain comes bigger boobs. We used to have the same size (I'm a 32 A lol which I love!!) but she has totally gotten bigger. So you know what she does? She asks me, like puts me on the spot if I wear a tight shirt and says, "Did your boobs get bigger!?" and to any normal person that wouldn't be annoying but she KNOWS I love my boobs and would hate if they got bigger. And she has done this multiple times and I can only say no and look awkward. Next time she asks I am totally going to say, "No but it looks like yours has."

I know it sounds extremely petty but its irritating when a friend projects things on you. And I say friend because she honestly is a good friend...we just like to compete with one another xD. She's worked out with me once and said she would always work out with me but knowing her she will get lazy and quit which actually sucks because she is upset she is gaining weight. But this is how I feel about it, if you are upset your clothes do not fit and that you are gaining a gut and bigger boobs do something about it instead of being lazy and inactive. Ok so I am done with my gossip for now lol, enjoy some thinspo

Read Users' Comments ( 9 )

So I have a crazy amount to update. I need to explain why I have been gone, what have I been up to, and my weight goals. First off I reached my first goal weight of 120 and I felt amazing. Bad news is I binged for TWO days and lost my goal weight and felt too bad to post on my blog =(. I feel better now but ugh it sucks. I am probably 122 right now. So I have been very busy working and getting ready for school. Once school starts binging will be harder. I am just constantly surrounded by friends and all we do is eat. Its irritating even though it seems half of my friends are developing ED's lol. I know I shouldn't find that comical but I do. Its just so ironic.

So I hit 120 then binged but then worked out like crazy. One day I did two trips to the gym and according to the machines burned a total of 600 calories. The real number was probably 400-500 but it felt great. I pretty much binged today because of peer pressure (I know it sucks) but I am so sick of it, I can't take it anymore. I hate that I have been avoiding my blog, makes me feel even more guilty. I really need to make it up to you guys. I'm hoping once I weigh below 120 I will treat you guys to pics of me.

I really missed you and yes I will not avoid my blog again, it doesn't help lol. Everyday I would just think oh goodness I should put this on my blog tonight. So now that the gym is open I am super happy, I've been like 4 times this week already. I already have my gym schedule set out as well so that makes me feel a little better. I will be up all night reading blogs so much love to you all =)

Read Users' Comments ( 9 )