Wow your comments are ridiculously uplifting. I am super happy you guys enjoy my blog. I am also apologizing for not updating sooner. School just started and I was trapped with social things. And oh my goodness, when ever I am around friends we all eat a ton.

But great news!!! I feel great lol. I haven't gained any weight and probably even lost some. I am practically a size 3 right now, maybe smaller. I basically only eat when I am around them. And I get fuller faster which rocks. My thighs aren't thunder thighs anymore and I feel the only fat on me is my butt. I am sooo sorry about not having pictures posted. I haven't had any privacy so to speak to take/post some. But I will have some next time I post! This post is also a quick update I suppose...

I can't weigh myself!! Its driving me crazy and I am a loser that uses the scale as a means of progress. Even though I feel skinnier, look skinnier, and can wear these short shorts and not feel like I have fat hanging out, the scale still unfortunately validates my success. I need advice on how to weigh myself.

I also need advice on birth control. I have never taken it and really need to get it soon. (I am petrified of ever getting pregnant) But the problem is I am also petrified of gaining weight because of it. I will never not take it due to that fear but it has been keeping me from getting it sooner (currently not sexually active). I just want some advice or first hand experiences from using birth control. Two of my roommates use it. One I have never seen skinny and I think birth control affects her weight a lot. My other roommate used to be sooo thin but she has to take it due to a hormone problem. She used to weigh 10 pounds less than me now I am pretty sure she weighs 10 pounds more. That terrifies me! She has huge boobs and a gut now...she used to be ridiculously skinny. She says its due to her just maturing, but its so obvious the birth control had some affect. Her eating habits have never changed. So yeh...thanks guys lol

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Hmm where do I begin? I'm turning this blog more and more into a diary of mine because diaries are important. They are like written pictures, but better. Pictures capture our faces, clothes, our smiles or frowns. But diaries capture our minds. I know I will need to read this in the future...

I want to thank my readers/followers whether you comment or not. I was reading the last comments and not only do I love and appreciate the feedback (it helps a ton) but I'm just glad that you can relate to this blog. Sometimes we can feel so alone in this world, and if my blog helps you feel less lonely then that means a lot to me. I like when someone reads what I've written and thinks, yes I feel that way too, or I have those goals too, or fears. As selfish as I feel I am, I love to help people...and I feel awful for even saying that. Because I know being pro-ana is awful. Maybe I should write a warning label somewhere...but the fact is it's out there. ED's, Ana, Mia. They are alive and strong. And if I can convince one person to resist mia, to not take laxatives, to try her/his hardest to stay in control, to not go too far, to seek happiness and acceptance, well then maybe I'm not as horrible as I think I am.

I'm a strong believer in goals. I feel having set goals and a sense of relativity helps counter the dangers of Ana. At the same time I am aware of my skewed rationalization of a disorder for then that discussion is for another blog post. At the end of the day, I just want us all to feel beautiful and happy and loved. I want you all to know you're not alone, even if you just want to cry all day and hide beneath the covers. Because even I have been there.

Today was a good day. I wore one of my favorite pair of skinny jeans...they were loose on me when they are normally tight. You know that image you have in your head? It's that girl you wish you were all the time. She's perfect almost, beautiful, thin, confident. Her hair shines and her eyes hold this mystery. Like she knows something you do not. She's been somewhere you will never be able to reach. I was her today. I wore my favorite black skinny jeans and cardigan. Normally I would wear knee high boots, but I wanted to be that rebel. I wore converse and black gloves. I even have this new piercing that looks pretty badass. I looked like a model. I saw people staring at me today. Maybe they thought I didn't belong. Maybe they were wondering where I was going. I was only passing through to a better place.

PS: Will post pictures soon this week. Also need to update my current weight. Honestly not sure if I have gained or lost...I have no access to an accurate scale

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Wow so I looked into the mirror today and have never felt or looked skinnier. My size 4 jeans are too big! I look awesome lol. I am unable to weight myself but if I had to guess I'd say around 119 or 118. I feel its really noticeable seeing as I haven't eaten a real meal in almost a week. (Which I'm nervous about. I'm scared to wear skinny jeans around family) My appetite is kind of just gone. When I do eat I get full super fast so I never finish eating anything. Ahhh I feel so great. I just want to maintain this look, that's my biggest goal right now. I feel great too. I have some really good friends and its just been a while where I felt really welcomed by people. Also for boy troubles, I am slowly just realizing that I shouldn't beat myself up if I like someone more than they like me. We aren't compatible and even though I have a big crush, I am slowly getting over it.

Today I pigged out on pizza and wings but even afterwards I still felt awesome. I'm going to start restricting tomorrow and the rest of the week to make sure I keep up my goals. This week is going to be great. Ultimately I want to weigh 115 and work on maintaining a weight range of 115-117.

I sometimes hate having thinspo, makes me feel guilty for idolizing a person...but I feel I'm looking more and more like this everyday. 5 more pounds maybe? How much does she weigh? Also I shall post pictures soon.

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I just quickly wanted to reply to Ana's Girl while at the same time ramble =)

As much as I should go to a counselor (my mom even suggested it...because I suffered from depression years ago. She doesn't suspect an ED I dont think) I'm just not ready to. Besides I have dived into my feelings many times and know the root of my problems. I did have a bad childhood and horrible family relationships were I was betrayed and lied to as a child, even abandoned. So I have trust and abandonment issues. Its rather simple, and my feelings toward people, myself, and even my ED is just a result of my childhood. I hate how easily I can decipher my faults and their causes, especially when I'm not sure I can solve them or even if I want to. I'm too analytical and it doesn't help that I see my problems as mudane anyway. I suppose if my inner issues ever did get serious enough I would go to a counselor. As of now I am still able to recognize my level of sanity. I think so anyway lol

Another Update

Also, my depressing week is ending guys, so sorry you had to deal with my ranting and whining. Thats just want happens when I keep all of my feelings bottled up over a period of time. I am slowly getting over my jealousy and I feel a lot less miserable now =)

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How do you get over someone you never had in the first place? I hate myself for feeling so stupid. I do this too often. I'm a clingy loner. I'm a walking oxymoron, someone who loves no one but wishes to be loved.

Day three...I only had a frosty and a slice of pizza within the last 24 hours. My stomach feels content and I regret that feeling. I'd rather feel more pain; I like the idea of pain more every day.

I hate sounding so melodramatic. I hate melodramatic people. I know I am blowing the simplest issues out of proportion. Especially when my life could be worse. I witness so much suffering in the world and I sit here complaining of obscure things, pointless feelings. I always feel my feelings are pointless. That’s why I never tell anyone anything. I keep them all bottled up. They're pointless...possibly worthless. I merely record them on this blog...for random input and so one day I can read over this and be able to remember who I was, or am.

I'm an overachieving, lonely perfectionist. I doubt myself all the time. People compliment me on how smart I am, how driven, and motivated. Yet I feel stupid all the time. I feel lonely and unwanted. I notice people like myself all the time…I yearn to make those connections with them but I also fail to show people who I truly am. What’s wrong with me? I thought I was over feeling like this. I thought I had improved, become a better person inside and out. I’ve made so many friends, became more outgoing then I’ve ever been. But I'm still afraid it seems. I'm afraid of trusting people, of opening up. I’m afraid they'll laugh. I'm afraid of being a joke. So I keep everything inside. I'm afraid of pain...I must not be used to it by now.

Tomorrow is Day 4. I won’t eat anything tomorrow

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I know an Ana. She's gorgeous, little, and kind. Everyone adores her. I remember one time sitting behind her at a work meeting. I could see her spine bones through her shirt as she leaned forward. She is rather too thin, but lovely. She and Ana it seems are dear friends. She openly remarks on how she wants to be thin...it’s shocking sometimes. She casually said to people that she was so excited school was over so she could lose weight...I don't think there is weight left for her to lose. I was shocked as I keep my ED secret. Her ED is rather obvious. But I suppose like myself, everyone is too scared to say anything about it. She's rather lovely. I'm not sure how I feel around her. Part of me is envious how gorgeous she looks. And another part of me feels sad for her. Does she see it? How lovely and graceful she looks? How easily her clothes drape around her small frame. She has to see how gorgeous she is. But we're all the same aren't we? Blind.

As for my boy trouble so to speak, it's only getting worse. He and my good friend are so close it seems...ugh I hate jealousy. But how I suffer from it immensely. It’s consuming me...and it seems no matter how little I eat, she still has her hold on me. I'm not a fan of Ana, like I said before I'd rather be a loner. But I wish more than ever for Ana to fill Envy's place.

I haven't had a meal in almost 2 days. (Just tiny snacks and barely) I'm going to make it 3.

I'm not sure why I am restricting. Do I want to lose weight? I suppose. Do I want to be thin? Of course. But no...this is different. I mostly crave pain it seems. I assure you I am not ill, even if it seems so. I am perfectly able to eat, not feel guilty, not count calories, not care...but I just want to feel emptiness. I want to be alone, even from nourishment.

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Thankyou for the comments guys =). I will be catching up on your blogs tonight after I ramble...

Sometimes I feel sad, and this sadness feels foreign. Mainly because I cannot pinpoint exactly what is causing it...I have faint ideas but I am helpless to solve them.

I like a guy that will never notice me. I know it’s not due to looks. It’s due to my personality. Which is ironic. I am so clever and fun, but as soon as I am in the same room as him, my mind goes blank and I must be so boring. I have accepted that it just won't work out, but what kills me...it kills me because I know he is becoming close friends with my best friend. She likes him too, because he's pretty awesome. And she's awesome around him, when normally it’s the opposite for us. I am the outgoing, fun one, and she is the quiet one. I am prettier too, she is self conscious. Yet I am struggling. I do not envy her, I love her. I just hate that I am failing at not being so nervous. I hate how guys like me but I have no interest in them and as soon as I like someone...to the point I easily ignore their faults, I fail and they never notice or desire me.

I guess I do know the cause of my sadness. This feeling that makes my stomach sick, it's not butterflies. It's seeing what I want right in front of my eyes, and being absolutely helpless in obtaining it. I hate this feeling.

I wish I could forget everyone forever. I love loneliness. I walked alone for hours today, admiring the stars and the cold air. I rarely see the stars. But that feeling in my stomach returned; that sickness. I know what I want. I do desire loneliness, but I want to be lonely with someone. I want us to be lonely forever.

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